I'm looking for some people who would interested in writing letters. It's actually not to me,(I'm old fashioned, but not that much), but for my cousin (male, early 30's...).
Let me know if you, or someone you know would be interested. Thanks in advanced!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I got to swing...
Over Memorial Day weekend I didn’t do much other than sleep (other than the whole I can’t get out of bed till the humidity goes down, and the room stops spinning). I did manage to get out long enough to see my friend Ozz* a couple of days.
He’s really the sweetest guy you could ever meet. A hopeless romantic, he’s super-shy, and also a serious giver. Take for example the dilemma he called me about this weekend:
His now girlfriend likes to text herself reminders. Their numbers are closely related, and she accidentally texted him instead of herself. They started talking, and long story short, they’ve known each other a month, and have been living together a little over a week.
She’s 19, so her friends are her whole world. She has no concept of working to pay bills, or true responsibility. Nor does she have any clue as to how an adult relationship works. (Some have more experience than others).
We were supposed to hang out anyway that weekend, but he suggested we go to a park and talk. (Thoughts of them finding my body “in the woods” occurred to me-stranger things have happened).
Fortunately for me, there was a playground in which I got to swing to my hearts content. I haven’t had that much fun since…ever? Ozz wasn’t as much of a swinger, but it was a blast for me till I discovered I can fit on the slide. Unfortunately for me, it had rained previously….
Unfortunately for Ozz, I was no help whatsoever. My answers merely consist of “well she’s 19, how much life experience can she have if she moved in after knowing you a month…” I have to give the guy credit, he explained to me that he figured what he was doing wasn’t working so he wanted to do it all differently.
I neutrally report that despite her being confronted about always being out with her friends by his roommate, that they have since talked, and she still lives there (despite conflicting rumors).
I’m still about the swings…
He’s really the sweetest guy you could ever meet. A hopeless romantic, he’s super-shy, and also a serious giver. Take for example the dilemma he called me about this weekend:
His now girlfriend likes to text herself reminders. Their numbers are closely related, and she accidentally texted him instead of herself. They started talking, and long story short, they’ve known each other a month, and have been living together a little over a week.
She’s 19, so her friends are her whole world. She has no concept of working to pay bills, or true responsibility. Nor does she have any clue as to how an adult relationship works. (Some have more experience than others).
We were supposed to hang out anyway that weekend, but he suggested we go to a park and talk. (Thoughts of them finding my body “in the woods” occurred to me-stranger things have happened).
Fortunately for me, there was a playground in which I got to swing to my hearts content. I haven’t had that much fun since…ever? Ozz wasn’t as much of a swinger, but it was a blast for me till I discovered I can fit on the slide. Unfortunately for me, it had rained previously….
Unfortunately for Ozz, I was no help whatsoever. My answers merely consist of “well she’s 19, how much life experience can she have if she moved in after knowing you a month…” I have to give the guy credit, he explained to me that he figured what he was doing wasn’t working so he wanted to do it all differently.
I neutrally report that despite her being confronted about always being out with her friends by his roommate, that they have since talked, and she still lives there (despite conflicting rumors).
I’m still about the swings…
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Letter I did send...
My Dearest Matt*:
Despite several attempts on my behalf, I’ve been unable to contact you. I hope you’re doing well, have the doctors checked?
As I have suddenly found myself in a déjà vu position- you disappear off the face of the earth without so much as a goodbye, fuck you, it was nice knowing you; and I’m left questioning my every move.
It has been brought to my attention that some other guys do this as well. They tend to promise the world and then disappear usually without trying to deliver. Their women are left behind wondering what they did wrong, and when they chase said guy, they’re only met with silence. It has also been brought to my attention that such actions are useless as said guy will do anything to avoid confrontation. I think these girls would agree when I express the wish that while you may say everything we want to hear, we know the difference between the truth and bullshit and prefer the former. This would not be such a shock to me, but it has seemingly become a “tradition” for you where I’m concerned.
The major irony is that if we were to ever reconnect again you’d reassure me of my lack of fault, all the while making passive-aggressive suggestions as to how my actions (or lack there of) led you astray.
I have to admit that now, I understand why your friends view me as the enemy. I pop up ever 6 months or so, stir things up, and disappear only to not be heard from again for another 6 months.
While I don’t entirely place the blame on you, (after all I should be seasoned enough to recognize and evade these issues), I am also not an idiot. While attention to detail may not be a knee-jerk reaction for you, my job, and less frequently, my life depend on it. No man is so self-conscious about his bedroom when the rest of the house looks like a tornado ran through. I sincerely pray for her sake that you’re practicing safe sex when you do. I mean unless you’re notorious for writing grocery lists in a feminine way, or having at hand, and openly using a feminine form of birth control.
Matt, I’m sure you’ll agree that a relationship takes work. It takes two people agreeing to work together to compromise, be faithful (as sex only complicates things-emotions included), and cherish each other above all else. I’m sure you’ll also agree that each and every person deserves to have a chance to be loved like that. For your sake I hope you find love, recognize it for what it’s worth, and not let it slip through your fingers.
I am eternally grateful for the time we spent together, but essentially I’m needing more than you can provide.
When you lie, I can’t have you onboard as a friend, much less anything else as it’s comparative to a broken leg in the middle of winter, in a forest-a liability.
I leave you with the following words courtesey of my good friend Josh: “If you’re going to be a two-timing bastard, at least be good at it.”
Oh and....tell Megan I said hi.
Despite several attempts on my behalf, I’ve been unable to contact you. I hope you’re doing well, have the doctors checked?
As I have suddenly found myself in a déjà vu position- you disappear off the face of the earth without so much as a goodbye, fuck you, it was nice knowing you; and I’m left questioning my every move.
It has been brought to my attention that some other guys do this as well. They tend to promise the world and then disappear usually without trying to deliver. Their women are left behind wondering what they did wrong, and when they chase said guy, they’re only met with silence. It has also been brought to my attention that such actions are useless as said guy will do anything to avoid confrontation. I think these girls would agree when I express the wish that while you may say everything we want to hear, we know the difference between the truth and bullshit and prefer the former. This would not be such a shock to me, but it has seemingly become a “tradition” for you where I’m concerned.
The major irony is that if we were to ever reconnect again you’d reassure me of my lack of fault, all the while making passive-aggressive suggestions as to how my actions (or lack there of) led you astray.
I have to admit that now, I understand why your friends view me as the enemy. I pop up ever 6 months or so, stir things up, and disappear only to not be heard from again for another 6 months.
While I don’t entirely place the blame on you, (after all I should be seasoned enough to recognize and evade these issues), I am also not an idiot. While attention to detail may not be a knee-jerk reaction for you, my job, and less frequently, my life depend on it. No man is so self-conscious about his bedroom when the rest of the house looks like a tornado ran through. I sincerely pray for her sake that you’re practicing safe sex when you do. I mean unless you’re notorious for writing grocery lists in a feminine way, or having at hand, and openly using a feminine form of birth control.
Matt, I’m sure you’ll agree that a relationship takes work. It takes two people agreeing to work together to compromise, be faithful (as sex only complicates things-emotions included), and cherish each other above all else. I’m sure you’ll also agree that each and every person deserves to have a chance to be loved like that. For your sake I hope you find love, recognize it for what it’s worth, and not let it slip through your fingers.
I am eternally grateful for the time we spent together, but essentially I’m needing more than you can provide.
When you lie, I can’t have you onboard as a friend, much less anything else as it’s comparative to a broken leg in the middle of winter, in a forest-a liability.
I leave you with the following words courtesey of my good friend Josh: “If you’re going to be a two-timing bastard, at least be good at it.”
Oh and....tell Megan I said hi.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Finally Friday....free again...
It's finally Friday and I'm mustering up all the energy I have just to sit here. My Capricorn nature tells me to dive into work, leave nothing unconquered, and I do....4 days a week.
When Friday finally does manage to roll around I'm impatient, lazy, and probably half-ass jobs I'd do a thousand times better Monday through Thursday.
Granted, there was a time in my life where I would run 21 hours of the day, sleep 3 and repeat.
It was especially great driving home and hitting standstill traffic at an ungodly hour when all I wanted to do was go home....it's enough to make you want to cry.
Now I'm spoiled with regular hours (consequently bedtimes), and any alcohol-induced states are only conducive to that. I work 10 minutes away, avoiding all traffic (and sometimes pedestrian children awaiting the schoolbus-"Stay on the sidewalk, damn it!").
I do have some things to be excited about though: (dreams last night-to be disclosed-were not one of them)
1. Only 4 more weeks of summer class for me. We had our first test last night, and I'm thinking I did well. That is not to say I got a 100%.
2. I spoke to an Advisor at school Wednesday night about this English class. She told me they take your most recent grade for your GPA. Since I've been out of school a few years, and that English is a few years old, the chances of me getting a worse grade are higher than me getting an equal grade. The odds are actually 1:5 of me getting an A. So she recommended taking 102 in the Fall with a professor with a good reputation, and using someone else to proof my papers.
Also, she recommended taking 2 of 4 classes that aren't particularly difficult, and a lot of non-science majors take. But they're still 4-credit classes.
I'm so excited! to actually graduate in the spring! ;)
However, I have to transfer to a four-year schoool. So I spent the better part of Wednesday night doing research. (They have a book with all the colleges in a particular state), and I found 13 colleges with my major at last count. And my GPA is good.
3. 3-day weekend (no blogs till Tuesday). I have a family picnic on Sunday but all in all I plan to do not a whole lot more than sleep.
4. Last but certainly not least, I am in the works of planning (consequently setting a date) for my 1st tattoo. I'm sure you're all completely stunned. A lot of good questions have been posed lately, and I'm waiting to hear what tattoo guy has to say.
Pictures to follow, I'm sure.
When Friday finally does manage to roll around I'm impatient, lazy, and probably half-ass jobs I'd do a thousand times better Monday through Thursday.
Granted, there was a time in my life where I would run 21 hours of the day, sleep 3 and repeat.
It was especially great driving home and hitting standstill traffic at an ungodly hour when all I wanted to do was go home....it's enough to make you want to cry.
Now I'm spoiled with regular hours (consequently bedtimes), and any alcohol-induced states are only conducive to that. I work 10 minutes away, avoiding all traffic (and sometimes pedestrian children awaiting the schoolbus-"Stay on the sidewalk, damn it!").
I do have some things to be excited about though: (dreams last night-to be disclosed-were not one of them)
1. Only 4 more weeks of summer class for me. We had our first test last night, and I'm thinking I did well. That is not to say I got a 100%.
2. I spoke to an Advisor at school Wednesday night about this English class. She told me they take your most recent grade for your GPA. Since I've been out of school a few years, and that English is a few years old, the chances of me getting a worse grade are higher than me getting an equal grade. The odds are actually 1:5 of me getting an A. So she recommended taking 102 in the Fall with a professor with a good reputation, and using someone else to proof my papers.
Also, she recommended taking 2 of 4 classes that aren't particularly difficult, and a lot of non-science majors take. But they're still 4-credit classes.
I'm so excited! to actually graduate in the spring! ;)
However, I have to transfer to a four-year schoool. So I spent the better part of Wednesday night doing research. (They have a book with all the colleges in a particular state), and I found 13 colleges with my major at last count. And my GPA is good.
3. 3-day weekend (no blogs till Tuesday). I have a family picnic on Sunday but all in all I plan to do not a whole lot more than sleep.
4. Last but certainly not least, I am in the works of planning (consequently setting a date) for my 1st tattoo. I'm sure you're all completely stunned. A lot of good questions have been posed lately, and I'm waiting to hear what tattoo guy has to say.
Pictures to follow, I'm sure.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Blessed
I was driving down the road to work today, thinking about things (it's a woman thing- we tend to analyze, and re-analyze everything) when it hit me: I've learned more from J than I ever gave him credit for. I mean there's the superficial things like music (I love being introduced to awesome songs I'd never otherwise listen to), and food (who wouldn't eat raw fish to get close to a boy), and a deeper feeling of love towards professional wrestling (he was a HUGE fan), but also what I want and need from a partner. More details about that later though.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning of the whirlwind....
I met J because of a former job I worked at. But perhaps I should back up a little bit further as that's not technically where the story begins....
I got into professional wrestling because of the same former job that later introduced me to Jay. Remember train-wreck friend- who's name is not really Sarah but we're calling her that anyway? We used to work together at a vet's office for about the two years I was there.
She was cool with our boss- a HUGE wrestling fan, and he invited her and her fiancee to go to a wrestling show, to which they accepted. Closer to the date he had to opt out of going due to a work commitment so she asked me to go in his place.
It was my first ever Tournament of Death show. And Tournament of Death (TOD as it's fondly referred to), is not about whether or not you can wrestle per say, it's about how violent can you be?
We sat front row (much like the thrill of sitting front row to a roller coaster) and endured a good day of barbed wire, light tubes (and consequently flying glass), and lots and lots of thumbtacks...usually attached to homemade weapons. (Yes the people that frequent these shows are quite the little artists).
It being our first show EVER on the independent scene, it was a bit much. But having an interest in wrestling we decided to check out a real show, and ultimately we were hooked!
Eventually we got to know, and consequently become friends with, some of the wrestlers. However J was involved with a different organization, one of his own making.
I started going to shows with Sarah when she decided she like one of the wrestlers on the show. It took a good bit of time but eventually we started hanging out with said wrestler and I eventually got introduced to J.
We forged a friendship and were virtually inseparable for about a year...
Things ended pretty badly when resentment was brought to the friendship over whom was contributing what, and how that exactly compared. I also never felt I could be ME around him and it affected us.
I'm not sorry for our time spent together, as it was a blast! Nor do I wish to return. Second chances aren't all they're cracked up to be....
He did an excellent job of introducing me to awesome things (see above), and even opened my mind to different thought possibilities. But perhaps the best thing I will always remember him for is his passion. To watch him talk, his face light up, but also to know he was there if I ever needed him.
I've realized that I need someone who is going to make me #1 in their life, without question. When I was with J I felt like there was no place else he had to be. Despite the fact that he had other friends, and interests. We'd still hang every other day, talk, just be. And for that I'm eternally grateful.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning of the whirlwind....
I met J because of a former job I worked at. But perhaps I should back up a little bit further as that's not technically where the story begins....
I got into professional wrestling because of the same former job that later introduced me to Jay. Remember train-wreck friend- who's name is not really Sarah but we're calling her that anyway? We used to work together at a vet's office for about the two years I was there.
She was cool with our boss- a HUGE wrestling fan, and he invited her and her fiancee to go to a wrestling show, to which they accepted. Closer to the date he had to opt out of going due to a work commitment so she asked me to go in his place.
It was my first ever Tournament of Death show. And Tournament of Death (TOD as it's fondly referred to), is not about whether or not you can wrestle per say, it's about how violent can you be?
We sat front row (much like the thrill of sitting front row to a roller coaster) and endured a good day of barbed wire, light tubes (and consequently flying glass), and lots and lots of thumbtacks...usually attached to homemade weapons. (Yes the people that frequent these shows are quite the little artists).
It being our first show EVER on the independent scene, it was a bit much. But having an interest in wrestling we decided to check out a real show, and ultimately we were hooked!
Eventually we got to know, and consequently become friends with, some of the wrestlers. However J was involved with a different organization, one of his own making.
I started going to shows with Sarah when she decided she like one of the wrestlers on the show. It took a good bit of time but eventually we started hanging out with said wrestler and I eventually got introduced to J.
We forged a friendship and were virtually inseparable for about a year...
Things ended pretty badly when resentment was brought to the friendship over whom was contributing what, and how that exactly compared. I also never felt I could be ME around him and it affected us.
I'm not sorry for our time spent together, as it was a blast! Nor do I wish to return. Second chances aren't all they're cracked up to be....
He did an excellent job of introducing me to awesome things (see above), and even opened my mind to different thought possibilities. But perhaps the best thing I will always remember him for is his passion. To watch him talk, his face light up, but also to know he was there if I ever needed him.
I've realized that I need someone who is going to make me #1 in their life, without question. When I was with J I felt like there was no place else he had to be. Despite the fact that he had other friends, and interests. We'd still hang every other day, talk, just be. And for that I'm eternally grateful.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Next Time That He Cheats...You Know It Won't Be On Me..
He woke me up about 1/2 hour or so later (the whole snooping thing took less than 5 minutes), when he couldn't get in the door. When I walked in, and was heading for the shower, I locked the door behind me. I figured, better safe than sorry. Unfortunately he didn't have a key for the top lock.
I let him in, and resumed my fetal positioning on the couch, attempting to fall back asleep. Since the house was dark, I never really had to open my eyes to see anything. I was still "technically" half asleep. He was having none of it. "C'mon" he'd say. "Nope" I'd reply in a grumpy half-asleep, you just woke me up kind of way. "C'mon I am not sleeping in my bed alone tonight." After much grumbling, and threats to attempt to pick me up on his part, I obliged and went into the bedroom.
He didn't come to bed right away, but he did leave the light on. And it really shouldn't be called bedroom eyes. Squinting in bright light, on too little sleep does not make me want to be jumped. And by jumped I mean in a sexual way. When he did eventually return to the bed, he tried to kiss me. REFUSED! "Are you seeing someone?" I asked rather abrubtly. He pulled back a bit, and looked shocked.
"No, I'm not seeing someone," he replied, "what makes you ask?" I didn't tell him I snooped in the bedroom. And technically it wasn't snooping at this point. I just went into a room I was asked not to go into. Snooping would be looking through his dresser drawers and stuff. Entering a room= no offense committed.
I explained about the extra toothbrush, the body wash. "Oh the body wash is really old..." he said.
"Oh yeah?" I countered, "How come it wasn't here the last time I was here?"
"It's been 7 months since you were here!!!"
"Cheryl, I swear I'm not seeing anyone else. People leave things here, and I'm just oblivious to it. I'll give you a good example. A few months ago this girl I was seeing found a tampon laying on the side of the sink. She confronted me about it, and asked where it came from. I told her I didn't know, I thought it was hers, and I didn't know how it got there. Besides, think about it, this is my only weekend off, and I invited you up here. Wouldn't I be spending my only weekend off with her if I were seeing someone?"
There was some logic in that and I reluctantly let myself believe him for that night. We got about two hours of sleep that night (nothing of that nature happened you pervs) since my body is still on "normal people time" where I rise for work at 8 a.m. 5 days a week. It was then he informed me of his want to "try us again." To which I replied, "Wow I was really wasn't expecting you to say that to me,"
While he was in the shower the next day I was perusing the books on his bookshelf when low and behold there was his phone sitting right there. I probably shouldn't have looked it, but I did. I have a lot of justifications for it, none of them good. Other than an overwhelming suspicion that he was LYING. The phone didn't reveal much but the womanly form of birth-control sitting so perfectly OPEN on the bookshelf did.
And when he saw the toothbrush in his bathroom post-shower he said, "You meant this?" and pointed to the pink one.
"Yes," I replied.
Oh that's mine. I gave him a look to suggest he was "full of shit."
"It was the last one they had with hard bristles."
(I didn't ask why he had 3 toothbrushes then. One of them electric. One blue, one pink.) Oh look at that my drivers license says I wasn't born YESTERDAY. But being the good sport I am....
We got up, we went to the bank, Dunkin Donuts (just a caramel swirl latte for me please!), the mall, the pet store, and finally ended at Best Buy. He picked up a DVD of Rowdy Roddy Piper which we spent the afternoon watching while he shredded. The DVD was interesting, and thankfully I love wrestling.
Prior to my arrival he had made plans with his friend Chris*. They were planning to go see Spiderman 3. I figured it would've been no big deal for me to tag along, and anyone else's friends I've happened to hang with wouldn't have had a problem. When he suggested it to Chris though, I was not to go, or they were not going. All because they had "planned for just the two of them to go all week."
I knew Matt* had been looking forward to going, so I told him he SHOULD go. But, I was going home. He's like "But the movie will only be 2-3 hours." Who wants to sit alone in a foreign state where they know how to get NOWHERE by themselves? Anybody?
Of course then Chris had to call his friend and former band-mate who wanted to jam (read: play music on their instruments), grab food and then go see a movie. It was in this case I'd be invited. I've had 3 hours of sleep at this point. And I'm a patient person by much exercised caution. I pick my battles. And this was going to be one of them.
I can understand that to Chris, I am the enemy. I come around once every 6 months or so, whether I need to or not, and I live 200 miles away. I'm sure I royally do a number on Matt every time I visit, like the way your lungs feel like hacking up everything that has settled when you begin a workout regime after a long hiatus. I didn't really have an issue with his friend not wanting to go see a movie with me. The old Matt, being as sensitive as he is, would've forced his friend to compromise. I would've told my friend to go to hell for being an insensitive prick, but that's me. And for that reason, my friends would never act like that.
I explained that I was going to have to leave out around 7 a.m. Sunday morning, for a concert, and so it really wasn't a big deal that I was heading home early. In fact it made sure I would be available in time to go. He made me swear that I wasn't mad. I wasn't mad...I was hurt. I took the question literally...kind of.
He asked me about returning in 2 weeks, to which I replied "Let's plan on it, but I'll let you know."
I kissed him goodbye, got in my car and made the long ass drive home.
Coming home from Mass is always easier than getting there, and I’m not sure why. New York always slows me down quite a bit. But EZ Pass has been a blessing in disguise.
By the time I hit Philly around 9 p.m. (I left at 4:30), I was thoroughly exhausted. Thankfully Josh and Katie let me crash at their place. When I filled him in on the Matt situation, he gave me a look and said, “I told you from the beginning this guy was bad news. I also told you that you needed to take a hiatus from dating in between guys.”
Of course he tells me these things and 6 months later, I’ll decide he’s absolutely right. As is the case here.
Josh would also tell you that if a guy is going to be a two-timing bastard, he should at least be good enough to cover his tracks. “He had an idea you were coming, right?”
“Yup.”
“Then he had time to check for, and dispose of incriminating evidence.”
To that I say thank god for GOOD signs.
And I’m officially on hiatus from dating. For like 6 months. (More about that later though).
I let him in, and resumed my fetal positioning on the couch, attempting to fall back asleep. Since the house was dark, I never really had to open my eyes to see anything. I was still "technically" half asleep. He was having none of it. "C'mon" he'd say. "Nope" I'd reply in a grumpy half-asleep, you just woke me up kind of way. "C'mon I am not sleeping in my bed alone tonight." After much grumbling, and threats to attempt to pick me up on his part, I obliged and went into the bedroom.
He didn't come to bed right away, but he did leave the light on. And it really shouldn't be called bedroom eyes. Squinting in bright light, on too little sleep does not make me want to be jumped. And by jumped I mean in a sexual way. When he did eventually return to the bed, he tried to kiss me. REFUSED! "Are you seeing someone?" I asked rather abrubtly. He pulled back a bit, and looked shocked.
"No, I'm not seeing someone," he replied, "what makes you ask?" I didn't tell him I snooped in the bedroom. And technically it wasn't snooping at this point. I just went into a room I was asked not to go into. Snooping would be looking through his dresser drawers and stuff. Entering a room= no offense committed.
I explained about the extra toothbrush, the body wash. "Oh the body wash is really old..." he said.
"Oh yeah?" I countered, "How come it wasn't here the last time I was here?"
"It's been 7 months since you were here!!!"
"Cheryl, I swear I'm not seeing anyone else. People leave things here, and I'm just oblivious to it. I'll give you a good example. A few months ago this girl I was seeing found a tampon laying on the side of the sink. She confronted me about it, and asked where it came from. I told her I didn't know, I thought it was hers, and I didn't know how it got there. Besides, think about it, this is my only weekend off, and I invited you up here. Wouldn't I be spending my only weekend off with her if I were seeing someone?"
There was some logic in that and I reluctantly let myself believe him for that night. We got about two hours of sleep that night (nothing of that nature happened you pervs) since my body is still on "normal people time" where I rise for work at 8 a.m. 5 days a week. It was then he informed me of his want to "try us again." To which I replied, "Wow I was really wasn't expecting you to say that to me,"
While he was in the shower the next day I was perusing the books on his bookshelf when low and behold there was his phone sitting right there. I probably shouldn't have looked it, but I did. I have a lot of justifications for it, none of them good. Other than an overwhelming suspicion that he was LYING. The phone didn't reveal much but the womanly form of birth-control sitting so perfectly OPEN on the bookshelf did.
And when he saw the toothbrush in his bathroom post-shower he said, "You meant this?" and pointed to the pink one.
"Yes," I replied.
Oh that's mine. I gave him a look to suggest he was "full of shit."
"It was the last one they had with hard bristles."
(I didn't ask why he had 3 toothbrushes then. One of them electric. One blue, one pink.) Oh look at that my drivers license says I wasn't born YESTERDAY. But being the good sport I am....
We got up, we went to the bank, Dunkin Donuts (just a caramel swirl latte for me please!), the mall, the pet store, and finally ended at Best Buy. He picked up a DVD of Rowdy Roddy Piper which we spent the afternoon watching while he shredded. The DVD was interesting, and thankfully I love wrestling.
Prior to my arrival he had made plans with his friend Chris*. They were planning to go see Spiderman 3. I figured it would've been no big deal for me to tag along, and anyone else's friends I've happened to hang with wouldn't have had a problem. When he suggested it to Chris though, I was not to go, or they were not going. All because they had "planned for just the two of them to go all week."
I knew Matt* had been looking forward to going, so I told him he SHOULD go. But, I was going home. He's like "But the movie will only be 2-3 hours." Who wants to sit alone in a foreign state where they know how to get NOWHERE by themselves? Anybody?
Of course then Chris had to call his friend and former band-mate who wanted to jam (read: play music on their instruments), grab food and then go see a movie. It was in this case I'd be invited. I've had 3 hours of sleep at this point. And I'm a patient person by much exercised caution. I pick my battles. And this was going to be one of them.
I can understand that to Chris, I am the enemy. I come around once every 6 months or so, whether I need to or not, and I live 200 miles away. I'm sure I royally do a number on Matt every time I visit, like the way your lungs feel like hacking up everything that has settled when you begin a workout regime after a long hiatus. I didn't really have an issue with his friend not wanting to go see a movie with me. The old Matt, being as sensitive as he is, would've forced his friend to compromise. I would've told my friend to go to hell for being an insensitive prick, but that's me. And for that reason, my friends would never act like that.
I explained that I was going to have to leave out around 7 a.m. Sunday morning, for a concert, and so it really wasn't a big deal that I was heading home early. In fact it made sure I would be available in time to go. He made me swear that I wasn't mad. I wasn't mad...I was hurt. I took the question literally...kind of.
He asked me about returning in 2 weeks, to which I replied "Let's plan on it, but I'll let you know."
I kissed him goodbye, got in my car and made the long ass drive home.
Coming home from Mass is always easier than getting there, and I’m not sure why. New York always slows me down quite a bit. But EZ Pass has been a blessing in disguise.
By the time I hit Philly around 9 p.m. (I left at 4:30), I was thoroughly exhausted. Thankfully Josh and Katie let me crash at their place. When I filled him in on the Matt situation, he gave me a look and said, “I told you from the beginning this guy was bad news. I also told you that you needed to take a hiatus from dating in between guys.”
Of course he tells me these things and 6 months later, I’ll decide he’s absolutely right. As is the case here.
Josh would also tell you that if a guy is going to be a two-timing bastard, he should at least be good enough to cover his tracks. “He had an idea you were coming, right?”
“Yup.”
“Then he had time to check for, and dispose of incriminating evidence.”
To that I say thank god for GOOD signs.
And I’m officially on hiatus from dating. For like 6 months. (More about that later though).
What to do, what to do...
I don't condone (read: approve of) snooping. Generally speaking, it has been my experience that when you snoop through someone's things: a) you discover more than you were originally looking for evidence of (this can be especially painful) b) it only leads to more snooping to find out what you think is there (which also has consequences if the person finds out, not to mention a lack of trust) and c) you have no right to confront them and/or hold the evidence against them (which makes explaining why you want to "break up" extremely difficult).
It has also been my experience that eventually the information comes to you. And given the option in an already bad situation, I'd prefer to chance looking like an idiot, and be the victim (and hence not having to deal with further trust issues, and possibly an addiction), than to look psycho.
Friday night I came home from work, cleaned the house and left for MA around 9 p.m. I had planned on spending Friday night (I'd get in around 1 a.m.) and Saturday night in MA, relaxing, clearing my head and hanging out with my ex-fiancée and his friend to go see Spider Man 3. Sunday I would return home (leaving MA at 7 a.m.) to make sure I was in Jersey by 11-11:30 for a really awesome concert. Oh the best laid plans of mice and men.
I decided to leave at 9 p.m. figuring traffic on the major roadways in Philly would have calmed down to a manageable amount. I did hit traffic, and made it to Connecticut without much of a problem. I followed Mapquest to that point when it told me to take Exit 3. I spent a good deal of time driving around, attempting to find the proper way to go. I even stopped for directions at a local Hess station. No such luck. And of course calls to Matt* were not received. I finally got a hold of him after leaving an "I'm lost, I'm upset, I need your help and you need to call me back," message. Turns out I was still in Connecticut. Thankfully for me, CT feels compelled to have access to Route 91 at every turn. The rest of the trip continued without incident.
There was only one condition Matt had put forth. I was allowed to use MY key to enter the apartment, but he was concerned about the "appearance of his bedroom," and I was not allowed to enter. I got to the apartment and did not take inventory, lol. But I did take a shower. And in the bathroom was an additional body wash, and a pink toothbrush.
The apartment has a very small, L-shaped kitchen in it. When you walk out of the door of the bathroom you're literally in the small kitchen. I saw the grocery list posted on the refrigerator door. It definitely wasn't a male's handwriting. And in the few instances that I have been to the apartment, there was never a "grocery list". EEW.
I settled in on the couch and waited about 1/2 hour before I texted him. He was still about 1/2 an hour out. Had I taken a book, had there been cable...had I not paid so much damn attention to detail....I probably still would have given in. I looked around the living room, and the kitchen. There were boxes everywhere, the floor needed vacuumed and the shelves were in desperate need of dusting. There were dishes in the kitchen sink. For someone whom was so "self conscious" about his bedroom he sure was sloppy in every other room.
As it turned out, in its current state the bedroom was the cleanest of the rooms. It reminded me of a really cheap motel room. (One where you question when the sheets were last changed, the floor vacuumed etc. I ran my eyes around the room, finding nothing incriminating, much to my pleasure. (Trust me; I can rationalize anything away for a while). As I turned to leave a note on the bedside table caught my eye. I walked over, careful not to disturb it only to find it said:
"Hi Honey! I'm going to miss you so much! Give [cats] a kiss for me. I love you. Signed [woman's name].
I quickly left that room, and assumed fetal position on the couch as my mind raced: I wanted to leave now, but was in desperate need of sleep. I fell asleep on the couch.
It has also been my experience that eventually the information comes to you. And given the option in an already bad situation, I'd prefer to chance looking like an idiot, and be the victim (and hence not having to deal with further trust issues, and possibly an addiction), than to look psycho.
Friday night I came home from work, cleaned the house and left for MA around 9 p.m. I had planned on spending Friday night (I'd get in around 1 a.m.) and Saturday night in MA, relaxing, clearing my head and hanging out with my ex-fiancée and his friend to go see Spider Man 3. Sunday I would return home (leaving MA at 7 a.m.) to make sure I was in Jersey by 11-11:30 for a really awesome concert. Oh the best laid plans of mice and men.
I decided to leave at 9 p.m. figuring traffic on the major roadways in Philly would have calmed down to a manageable amount. I did hit traffic, and made it to Connecticut without much of a problem. I followed Mapquest to that point when it told me to take Exit 3. I spent a good deal of time driving around, attempting to find the proper way to go. I even stopped for directions at a local Hess station. No such luck. And of course calls to Matt* were not received. I finally got a hold of him after leaving an "I'm lost, I'm upset, I need your help and you need to call me back," message. Turns out I was still in Connecticut. Thankfully for me, CT feels compelled to have access to Route 91 at every turn. The rest of the trip continued without incident.
There was only one condition Matt had put forth. I was allowed to use MY key to enter the apartment, but he was concerned about the "appearance of his bedroom," and I was not allowed to enter. I got to the apartment and did not take inventory, lol. But I did take a shower. And in the bathroom was an additional body wash, and a pink toothbrush.
The apartment has a very small, L-shaped kitchen in it. When you walk out of the door of the bathroom you're literally in the small kitchen. I saw the grocery list posted on the refrigerator door. It definitely wasn't a male's handwriting. And in the few instances that I have been to the apartment, there was never a "grocery list". EEW.
I settled in on the couch and waited about 1/2 hour before I texted him. He was still about 1/2 an hour out. Had I taken a book, had there been cable...had I not paid so much damn attention to detail....I probably still would have given in. I looked around the living room, and the kitchen. There were boxes everywhere, the floor needed vacuumed and the shelves were in desperate need of dusting. There were dishes in the kitchen sink. For someone whom was so "self conscious" about his bedroom he sure was sloppy in every other room.
As it turned out, in its current state the bedroom was the cleanest of the rooms. It reminded me of a really cheap motel room. (One where you question when the sheets were last changed, the floor vacuumed etc. I ran my eyes around the room, finding nothing incriminating, much to my pleasure. (Trust me; I can rationalize anything away for a while). As I turned to leave a note on the bedside table caught my eye. I walked over, careful not to disturb it only to find it said:
"Hi Honey! I'm going to miss you so much! Give [cats] a kiss for me. I love you. Signed [woman's name].
I quickly left that room, and assumed fetal position on the couch as my mind raced: I wanted to leave now, but was in desperate need of sleep. I fell asleep on the couch.
To my readers...
A quick side note:
This weekend has been so damn complicated, and full of details and NOT AT ALL what it was supposed to be, so the details will be split up into several blogs.
I did this so as not to overwhelm you with information, make your eyes bug out of your head, and tell the stories as completely as possible.
Happy reading!
This weekend has been so damn complicated, and full of details and NOT AT ALL what it was supposed to be, so the details will be split up into several blogs.
I did this so as not to overwhelm you with information, make your eyes bug out of your head, and tell the stories as completely as possible.
Happy reading!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Would you like some marriage in your coffee?
"Whenever I come through here, it always smells like coffee. Can I buy a cup of coffee from you?" is what he said.
"You want to buy me a cup of coffee?"
Nods.
"Oh....."
Being of the Spanish-speaking population you'd think I'd be better equipped to just ask someone to speak Spanish to me, or slow down their English. But this makes for far more interesting stories.
During the "Oh....." silence phase the following is re-running through my head: WHY I SHOULD NOT DATE SOMEONE I'M NOT INTERESTED IN MARRYING.
I once dated one of the residents who live in the building I work for. All was great, he'd come down to work every morning and see me. We went on one date, and I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. So I didn't talk to him again. It made it even more awkward when he came down to the office and wanted "to talk" in the midst of my work day.
He went completely psycho and started yelling at me that I never called him, never stopped by after our date, and I never e-mailed him. I told him communication was a two-way street. After that I knew it was a bad idea to date a resident. Like dating someone you work with...
Speaking of dating, I only date people I think I have a potential future with. While I'd like to think I'd compromise my "urges" to get married for the right person, I also know there is a potential that I won't. So I try to only date someone, I'd literally marry.
I've had a few close calls. Twice to be exact. And yet marriage positively SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Yet, I love haunted houses, and roller coasters. So I try to approach it like that. Well it's alright till I get right up in front of it. And as much as I'll want to chicken out, I LIKE being scared. And if it's too scary, I'll close my eyes until it's over. Maybe seeing really is believing....
"You want to buy me a cup of coffee?"
Nods.
"Oh....."
Being of the Spanish-speaking population you'd think I'd be better equipped to just ask someone to speak Spanish to me, or slow down their English. But this makes for far more interesting stories.
During the "Oh....." silence phase the following is re-running through my head: WHY I SHOULD NOT DATE SOMEONE I'M NOT INTERESTED IN MARRYING.
I once dated one of the residents who live in the building I work for. All was great, he'd come down to work every morning and see me. We went on one date, and I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. So I didn't talk to him again. It made it even more awkward when he came down to the office and wanted "to talk" in the midst of my work day.
He went completely psycho and started yelling at me that I never called him, never stopped by after our date, and I never e-mailed him. I told him communication was a two-way street. After that I knew it was a bad idea to date a resident. Like dating someone you work with...
Speaking of dating, I only date people I think I have a potential future with. While I'd like to think I'd compromise my "urges" to get married for the right person, I also know there is a potential that I won't. So I try to only date someone, I'd literally marry.
I've had a few close calls. Twice to be exact. And yet marriage positively SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Yet, I love haunted houses, and roller coasters. So I try to approach it like that. Well it's alright till I get right up in front of it. And as much as I'll want to chicken out, I LIKE being scared. And if it's too scary, I'll close my eyes until it's over. Maybe seeing really is believing....
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Screwed
I am truly a klutz when it comes to most things, including driving. Ask my friends, and they will tell you that I am perhaps the only person who can get hit at a standstill in her driveway. That particular accident was pretty embarassing as it ripped the rear bumper cover off my car, and let's face it, bumpers are not aesthetically pleasing to the eye.
Take for example my most recent encounter. I was heading down to the city to see my friend Josh, and I always use this one street that basically lets me go in a square to turn around, as opposed to having to back up onto a street. I've driven the city many, many times, and I've probably used that street combination to turn around at least 100 times. I've never had a problem.
Well apparently time 101 had it in for me. There were cars parked on both sides of the road blocking my view. Attempting to be a safe driver, I looked left, looked right and determined that I needed to ease out into the road to get a better view. Don't you know, in the slowness that I'm moving I actually hit a car as if we were bumper cars. Of course his being a Honda (they may run forever, but they also crumple like foil), it crumpled on impact whereas my Dodge scraped the paint.
Granted the damage was minimal. And I never claimed not to make mistakes. Yet everyone who sees it feels the need to blow it out of proportion.
My mother called me at work, and reamed me out for not telling her. I explained what happened and she calmed down. Perhaps telling her would have been the better of the two options, but I figured, "hey, it's handled."
My stepfather jumped on my case to see what was wrong with the car (other than the incessant mileage, my inability to pay for such luxuries as oil changes) to which he came back saying "You did good, I don't need to fix this one."
My brother who felt it imperative to let the whole neighborhood know, by screaming..."What the? What did you hit?"
And finally my grandfather who decided to tell me "It was simply a case of not doing it right, and when I didn't have a car anymore not to ask for his."
Side note: This all brings up a really good point for me. In my last blog, I told you that I hate to make mistakes. I do. I do. I do. I hate even more for people to blow a mistake out of proportion. I'm an adult. I have a conscience and carry guilt. Please DO NOT pile it on for me. I've got it covered.
Furthermore, if I do make a mistake, please do not make me pay for it forever. Tell me about it, let me apologize, and get over it!
I'm also fiercely notorious for getting flat tires! It seems no matter where I drive, I somehow end up screwed, and not in a good way! HA! But I have Triple A (having someone else change a tire beats me trying any day), and I've discovered for 13.95 (?) Tires Plus guarantees their tires for a really long time.
Now that right there, is love. :)
Take for example my most recent encounter. I was heading down to the city to see my friend Josh, and I always use this one street that basically lets me go in a square to turn around, as opposed to having to back up onto a street. I've driven the city many, many times, and I've probably used that street combination to turn around at least 100 times. I've never had a problem.
Well apparently time 101 had it in for me. There were cars parked on both sides of the road blocking my view. Attempting to be a safe driver, I looked left, looked right and determined that I needed to ease out into the road to get a better view. Don't you know, in the slowness that I'm moving I actually hit a car as if we were bumper cars. Of course his being a Honda (they may run forever, but they also crumple like foil), it crumpled on impact whereas my Dodge scraped the paint.
Granted the damage was minimal. And I never claimed not to make mistakes. Yet everyone who sees it feels the need to blow it out of proportion.
My mother called me at work, and reamed me out for not telling her. I explained what happened and she calmed down. Perhaps telling her would have been the better of the two options, but I figured, "hey, it's handled."
My stepfather jumped on my case to see what was wrong with the car (other than the incessant mileage, my inability to pay for such luxuries as oil changes) to which he came back saying "You did good, I don't need to fix this one."
My brother who felt it imperative to let the whole neighborhood know, by screaming..."What the? What did you hit?"
And finally my grandfather who decided to tell me "It was simply a case of not doing it right, and when I didn't have a car anymore not to ask for his."
Side note: This all brings up a really good point for me. In my last blog, I told you that I hate to make mistakes. I do. I do. I do. I hate even more for people to blow a mistake out of proportion. I'm an adult. I have a conscience and carry guilt. Please DO NOT pile it on for me. I've got it covered.
Furthermore, if I do make a mistake, please do not make me pay for it forever. Tell me about it, let me apologize, and get over it!
I'm also fiercely notorious for getting flat tires! It seems no matter where I drive, I somehow end up screwed, and not in a good way! HA! But I have Triple A (having someone else change a tire beats me trying any day), and I've discovered for 13.95 (?) Tires Plus guarantees their tires for a really long time.
Now that right there, is love. :)
Monday, May 14, 2007
Making my way to crazy...
If you learn one thing about me, learn that I hate to make mistakes. This can range from the mere thought of going out with someone, to work mistakes. And this weekend I made a mistake.
Perhaps I was stressed out that I had an up and coming funeral the next day, but when I turned the phones over to the service, I had the false sense of security that the phones were 'turned over'.
Having problems with the maintenance man, little did I know that asking the messages NOT to be faxed would be such a big deal with me being out of the office.
But when my boss came back today and came to the realization that the answering service was not on this weekend, and the messages did not get faxed.
To me the simple answer is okay, let's check and make sure it's on, and move forward. No use crying over spilt milk....but most certainly learn from mistakes and make adjustments.
But to my boss this is the end of the world. What if something happened?!
I am slowly making my way to crazy...
Perhaps I was stressed out that I had an up and coming funeral the next day, but when I turned the phones over to the service, I had the false sense of security that the phones were 'turned over'.
Having problems with the maintenance man, little did I know that asking the messages NOT to be faxed would be such a big deal with me being out of the office.
But when my boss came back today and came to the realization that the answering service was not on this weekend, and the messages did not get faxed.
To me the simple answer is okay, let's check and make sure it's on, and move forward. No use crying over spilt milk....but most certainly learn from mistakes and make adjustments.
But to my boss this is the end of the world. What if something happened?!
I am slowly making my way to crazy...
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Letter I never sent...
A long time ago, perhaps the first time J and I ever went our seperate ways, I wrote a letter to him addressing some issues he brought up. He never read it, but on the per chance he ever stumbles on this blog I'd want him to know: (Hint it gives you a good insight as to how I think)
"We should be careful to only get out of an experience the wisdom that's in it."- Mark Twain
First and foremost the Mark Twain quote was what I was referring to when I told you to "come back better." I didn't mean for you to change, or that you shouldn't be accepted as you are. I just think people go one of two ways-either better because of change or worse. And that may mean, as Meg Ryan pointed out that adults don't come out of it. To answer your question, no I am not the judge of whether or not you are better, there are far higher beings than me. I can offer my opinion, and provide you with my support, but ultimately you (and God) are the judge of whether you "came back better" or "taken all you could" from an experience. I can only decide if I can accept you how you are, what I need from you, and whether I choose to allow you to remain part of my life.
I would hope that if you attempted to get wisdom out of an experience you would be able to identify your mistakes, in addition to everyone else's, you find patience and understanding, and be able to let go of any anger you have in favor of forgiveness. I'd want you to be able to look back on our time together and remember the good times, not the bitter, bitter end. It's the same I'd hope for with anyone who was a part of my life.
As for the always being stuck with me comment, I wasn't lying. I truly meant that I intended to have you around for the rest of my life. However, as things progressed, I found our personalities to be complete opposites. We were constantly at odds. I feel that theory of A and B personalities is us. I was forced into a B personality which is not my nature. You got to see sides of me no one else ever saw, but you missed what they did see. And when you can't see the whole picture, it's really hard to appreciate it. I also feel that we could not provide the other with their needs. We would have only been holding the other back from finding someone who could. As you witnessed in the end, this only breeds resentment. At the time the comment was made, I had lost sight of me. How could I ask you to love me, when she wasn't present? I needed to readjust my bearings.
Perhaps the hardest part of being gone was all the guilt that was self-inflicted. I felt like I had failed you, in addition to unintentionally lying to you. I'm the type of person who lives in the moment, and express feelings of that moment. I never lied about how I felt.
I wish I could say I was sorry for the way things were, but honestly all I took from the time we spent together, and all that I have gotten in return were all worth it. I almost wish that we did not encounter the bitterness of the end, but we are both passionate people, and intensely loyal. Anything less would have left us coming back for more.
I hope this sheds light on any questions you had, and lessens the sting of the way you worded such questions for me. As always, I wish you nothing but the best. Take it with you, as there will be times when you need it.
"We should be careful to only get out of an experience the wisdom that's in it."- Mark Twain
First and foremost the Mark Twain quote was what I was referring to when I told you to "come back better." I didn't mean for you to change, or that you shouldn't be accepted as you are. I just think people go one of two ways-either better because of change or worse. And that may mean, as Meg Ryan pointed out that adults don't come out of it. To answer your question, no I am not the judge of whether or not you are better, there are far higher beings than me. I can offer my opinion, and provide you with my support, but ultimately you (and God) are the judge of whether you "came back better" or "taken all you could" from an experience. I can only decide if I can accept you how you are, what I need from you, and whether I choose to allow you to remain part of my life.
I would hope that if you attempted to get wisdom out of an experience you would be able to identify your mistakes, in addition to everyone else's, you find patience and understanding, and be able to let go of any anger you have in favor of forgiveness. I'd want you to be able to look back on our time together and remember the good times, not the bitter, bitter end. It's the same I'd hope for with anyone who was a part of my life.
As for the always being stuck with me comment, I wasn't lying. I truly meant that I intended to have you around for the rest of my life. However, as things progressed, I found our personalities to be complete opposites. We were constantly at odds. I feel that theory of A and B personalities is us. I was forced into a B personality which is not my nature. You got to see sides of me no one else ever saw, but you missed what they did see. And when you can't see the whole picture, it's really hard to appreciate it. I also feel that we could not provide the other with their needs. We would have only been holding the other back from finding someone who could. As you witnessed in the end, this only breeds resentment. At the time the comment was made, I had lost sight of me. How could I ask you to love me, when she wasn't present? I needed to readjust my bearings.
Perhaps the hardest part of being gone was all the guilt that was self-inflicted. I felt like I had failed you, in addition to unintentionally lying to you. I'm the type of person who lives in the moment, and express feelings of that moment. I never lied about how I felt.
I wish I could say I was sorry for the way things were, but honestly all I took from the time we spent together, and all that I have gotten in return were all worth it. I almost wish that we did not encounter the bitterness of the end, but we are both passionate people, and intensely loyal. Anything less would have left us coming back for more.
I hope this sheds light on any questions you had, and lessens the sting of the way you worded such questions for me. As always, I wish you nothing but the best. Take it with you, as there will be times when you need it.
Not that great
In January KB and I were supposed to head to Disney with two other couples (friends of ours) for an all-inclusive 6-day, 5-night trip. Practically growing up in Disney, both KB and Dan felt it imperative that they not only share it with their significant others, but they should also share it with another couple. (Who said three was a crowd?). You have to imagine the most hyperactive tour guides you've ever met and multiply it by 100 and then you will have a glipse of the excitement between the two of them when they talked about Disney. And yes, they're 22.
At the 210 "Cinco de Mayo" party meets birthdays the couples had decided respectively to ditch the Florida train in favor of one to Jamaica. At first it seemed like a no-brainer! Tropical islands, lots of excursions to participate in....but KB was having none of it.
Not to be outdone, I told him that I would go without him, and if necessary ask one of his friends to accompany me. He agreed to this, although I think it was a bit reluctantly!
All was good until I finally tracked down his friend Dom, and asked him if he'd want to go to Jamica. He declined! I expressed my utterbrokenheartedness. Still no change...
But hey if I was heading to Key West...he was game.
So when I rejoined KB we both agreed, "Eh Jamaica isn't that great anyway."
Saturday, May 12, 2007
The good, the bad, the ugly
"I'm not perfect, and I never claimed to be. If that's what you wanted then I'm sorry."
I'm not sure if the comment was directed passively-aggressively at me (if the deletion of his myspace name from my "friends list" was any indication). So I feel compelled to address the issue.
Matt* and I were engaged prior to KB and my's getting together. We met on chance on a website for singles, and seeing where he was from (MA) made me think, "okay maybe we could be friends."
Things progressed pretty quickly and by 8 a.m. the next morning I was on the road from a small town in PA to over 200 miles away. We spent the weekend together, and had a delicious time deciding that we were going to keep this going as much as is possible in a long-term relationship.
Now it has been my personal experience that most things that get moving with a bang, fizzle out just as quickly. But things that progress more slowly are meant to be savored. This does not mean my predominant nature doesn't take over, and make me want to "help things along".
We spent hours on the phone, just talking things out, which not only solidified out bond, but also made me feel confident that things were going somewhere.
One day he just up and vanished. He stopped taking my calls, and being 200 miles away it's really hard to demand an answer out of someone. Eventually I let go too.
Then one night I was sitting in the kitchen with my little brother, and I got a text message from Matt saying that he needed to apologize whether I was ready to forgive him or not, to relieve his conscience. (In not so many words).
We talked that night, and things quickly rekindled. He came to PA for the first time, and met my family. As much as we tried to take things slow, they sped up and we were back to wedding planning.
Normally, I'm not a second-chance kind of girl by nature. But the chemistry was so intense I gave in. Our 10 year difference, his hesitancy to get reinvolved with someone after his divorce, and insecurities of both parties eventually led us our seperate ways.
I had honestly forgotten that he was on my preferred list to read my Myspace blogs. Had I remembered, I don't know that I would have been less than honest. We were distant friends at best at that point. No, it's not easy to see your ex date someone else, but I would hope if he felt things for me that he claimed he would be happy for me.
I realize now I was not emotionally ready for what marriage would have asked of me. Even now, I'm still trying on "faces" so to speak, and trying to figure out who I am. After all, that's what your twenties are about. But things have gotten better. After another failed attempt (after Matt), one of my best friends in the world finally confessed his feelings for me. We've been together ever since.
KB is not perfect by any means, and he will be the first to admit that. I get on his nerves, and he gets on mine, but at the end of the day I know my life is sweeter with him in it. And as time goes on, I'm sure I'll air my grievances. I've always been the kind of person whom if it seems that a lesson I have learned, or an experience I have dealt with meant something to me, I will share it. The good, the bad, the ugly.
I'm not sure if the comment was directed passively-aggressively at me (if the deletion of his myspace name from my "friends list" was any indication). So I feel compelled to address the issue.
Matt* and I were engaged prior to KB and my's getting together. We met on chance on a website for singles, and seeing where he was from (MA) made me think, "okay maybe we could be friends."
Things progressed pretty quickly and by 8 a.m. the next morning I was on the road from a small town in PA to over 200 miles away. We spent the weekend together, and had a delicious time deciding that we were going to keep this going as much as is possible in a long-term relationship.
Now it has been my personal experience that most things that get moving with a bang, fizzle out just as quickly. But things that progress more slowly are meant to be savored. This does not mean my predominant nature doesn't take over, and make me want to "help things along".
We spent hours on the phone, just talking things out, which not only solidified out bond, but also made me feel confident that things were going somewhere.
One day he just up and vanished. He stopped taking my calls, and being 200 miles away it's really hard to demand an answer out of someone. Eventually I let go too.
Then one night I was sitting in the kitchen with my little brother, and I got a text message from Matt saying that he needed to apologize whether I was ready to forgive him or not, to relieve his conscience. (In not so many words).
We talked that night, and things quickly rekindled. He came to PA for the first time, and met my family. As much as we tried to take things slow, they sped up and we were back to wedding planning.
Normally, I'm not a second-chance kind of girl by nature. But the chemistry was so intense I gave in. Our 10 year difference, his hesitancy to get reinvolved with someone after his divorce, and insecurities of both parties eventually led us our seperate ways.
I had honestly forgotten that he was on my preferred list to read my Myspace blogs. Had I remembered, I don't know that I would have been less than honest. We were distant friends at best at that point. No, it's not easy to see your ex date someone else, but I would hope if he felt things for me that he claimed he would be happy for me.
I realize now I was not emotionally ready for what marriage would have asked of me. Even now, I'm still trying on "faces" so to speak, and trying to figure out who I am. After all, that's what your twenties are about. But things have gotten better. After another failed attempt (after Matt), one of my best friends in the world finally confessed his feelings for me. We've been together ever since.
KB is not perfect by any means, and he will be the first to admit that. I get on his nerves, and he gets on mine, but at the end of the day I know my life is sweeter with him in it. And as time goes on, I'm sure I'll air my grievances. I've always been the kind of person whom if it seems that a lesson I have learned, or an experience I have dealt with meant something to me, I will share it. The good, the bad, the ugly.
"If ya talk to him"
"Hey, how ya been?"
I was on my way to a Cinco De Mayo party, (yes we're the idiots who celebrate Cinco de Mayo on May 12), when I decided I wanted to get into contact with people that I still considered friends, but had not been in contact with.
He replied, "I've been good...who is this?"
Figuring he didn't get my message about the new phone number, and knowing how he reacts to seeing a PA number, I didn't give him a hard time.
"It's Cheryl," I said with probably too much enthuasiasm.
"Oooh and let me guess, you must be looking for a guy named Dean,"
"Yeah," I replied figuring maybe he was out, lost his phone-I didn't know what.
"Wellllll....Dean doesn't have this number anymore."
"Oh," I replied, completely full of shock. "I'm so sorry"
"Don't worry about it, I get lots of good stories, but hey listen if you do talk to him, let him know he owes money to Blockbuster."
I was on my way to a Cinco De Mayo party, (yes we're the idiots who celebrate Cinco de Mayo on May 12), when I decided I wanted to get into contact with people that I still considered friends, but had not been in contact with.
He replied, "I've been good...who is this?"
Figuring he didn't get my message about the new phone number, and knowing how he reacts to seeing a PA number, I didn't give him a hard time.
"It's Cheryl," I said with probably too much enthuasiasm.
"Oooh and let me guess, you must be looking for a guy named Dean,"
"Yeah," I replied figuring maybe he was out, lost his phone-I didn't know what.
"Wellllll....Dean doesn't have this number anymore."
"Oh," I replied, completely full of shock. "I'm so sorry"
"Don't worry about it, I get lots of good stories, but hey listen if you do talk to him, let him know he owes money to Blockbuster."
Friday, May 11, 2007
Rob Massaroni: A dedication
I am officially home from the most dreaded moment in any person's life: a funeral. While I'm not sure that I am necessarily the most appropriate person to try and write a eulogy for someone so great.
Anyone you talk to, anyone will tell you that Rob was the greatest person you'll ever meet. That he touched the lives of everyone he came in contact with. He was dedicated-in karate, in life, and in his family. While he didn't begin as a natural in the art of Tang Soo Do, he did grow to become world champion. He was a social studies teacher, and ultimately met his untimely death doing what he loved-running.
Rob doesn't know but he beat all of his records. People at the race will tell you he finished before he collapsed. They will also tell you he beat all of his prior records.
Right now it really hurts, and more tears will be shed today and in the coming days than should ever be shed.
But when the pain begins to ease, we need to remember to continue Rob's work as he so duitfully showed us how to do. We need to learn the fine art of being tough and compassionate all at once. We need to practice loyalty and dedication, and continue his work of giving back-to the kids and the community. We need to be selfless while taking time to take care of ourselves, and most importantly to live every day as if it is our last.
I have a thousand stories of my experiences to share with you guys, but yet this story, Rob's story is the greatest lesson of all.
To Mr. Mass: Loved in life, loved forever, R.I.P. You will be greatly missed!
Anyone you talk to, anyone will tell you that Rob was the greatest person you'll ever meet. That he touched the lives of everyone he came in contact with. He was dedicated-in karate, in life, and in his family. While he didn't begin as a natural in the art of Tang Soo Do, he did grow to become world champion. He was a social studies teacher, and ultimately met his untimely death doing what he loved-running.
Rob doesn't know but he beat all of his records. People at the race will tell you he finished before he collapsed. They will also tell you he beat all of his prior records.
Right now it really hurts, and more tears will be shed today and in the coming days than should ever be shed.
But when the pain begins to ease, we need to remember to continue Rob's work as he so duitfully showed us how to do. We need to learn the fine art of being tough and compassionate all at once. We need to practice loyalty and dedication, and continue his work of giving back-to the kids and the community. We need to be selfless while taking time to take care of ourselves, and most importantly to live every day as if it is our last.
I have a thousand stories of my experiences to share with you guys, but yet this story, Rob's story is the greatest lesson of all.
To Mr. Mass: Loved in life, loved forever, R.I.P. You will be greatly missed!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Trouble Brewing
I used to have the best "train-wreck" friend. You know the person who is positively awesome to hang out with, to party with, but when it comes to "real" friendship-the we will sit in our PJs, and eat ice cream, while watching sappy movies is the portion we never got to.
When she started dating a former flame she met his roommate and deemed him "positively perfect for me." Trying to get details out of the girl was like pulling teeth! "He's tall" or "He's got brown hair" was the extent of what I got. Eventually I had to meet him.
Like all relationships, where there's fire there's drama. (No really, I DARE you to think of someone who burned you that wasn't dramatic). And with drama comes conditions. Well in this case the condition was: I had to lose someone close to me, in order to meet this "perfect guy".
Had I taken the high road, I would've said no way Jose. But her logic made perfect sense. "Hot roommate is going to be fine with you having male friends, but he will definitely not be okay with you being at someone's beck and call." And in an instant needy male friend was dropped.
Hot roommate and I did not meet under the best of circumstances. For one thing it was super-late and he brought home another girl. (Turned out to be a friend that wanted to "meet his animals"). It was also the night said friend decided to cause trouble with needy male friend and series of insults were thrown and continued through the night. And stupid tears were shed.
However hot roommate was an awesome guy and not only let me sleep in his bed (without so much as having to undress), but also proposed if I was interested in learning how to line dance he would be at such and such a location on Thursday night.
I got into country line dancing (I grew up listening to country, and happen to find it positively awesome), and was there week after week. That is until...
I was being a dumbass running across the dance floor in boots, and stepped the wrong way. I thank God for alcohol that night so no ER doctor had to suffer when they attempted to touch my ankle and I threw punches.
Eventually my interest in hot roommate fizzled when I found out just how much drama followed him around. Like when his fiancee came to visit, and the girl he was involved with here found out....consequently at the hands of train wreck friend.
I would love to go see what kind of trouble is brewing these days, but I'm just so damn busy on Thursday nights!
When she started dating a former flame she met his roommate and deemed him "positively perfect for me." Trying to get details out of the girl was like pulling teeth! "He's tall" or "He's got brown hair" was the extent of what I got. Eventually I had to meet him.
Like all relationships, where there's fire there's drama. (No really, I DARE you to think of someone who burned you that wasn't dramatic). And with drama comes conditions. Well in this case the condition was: I had to lose someone close to me, in order to meet this "perfect guy".
Had I taken the high road, I would've said no way Jose. But her logic made perfect sense. "Hot roommate is going to be fine with you having male friends, but he will definitely not be okay with you being at someone's beck and call." And in an instant needy male friend was dropped.
Hot roommate and I did not meet under the best of circumstances. For one thing it was super-late and he brought home another girl. (Turned out to be a friend that wanted to "meet his animals"). It was also the night said friend decided to cause trouble with needy male friend and series of insults were thrown and continued through the night. And stupid tears were shed.
However hot roommate was an awesome guy and not only let me sleep in his bed (without so much as having to undress), but also proposed if I was interested in learning how to line dance he would be at such and such a location on Thursday night.
I got into country line dancing (I grew up listening to country, and happen to find it positively awesome), and was there week after week. That is until...
I was being a dumbass running across the dance floor in boots, and stepped the wrong way. I thank God for alcohol that night so no ER doctor had to suffer when they attempted to touch my ankle and I threw punches.
Eventually my interest in hot roommate fizzled when I found out just how much drama followed him around. Like when his fiancee came to visit, and the girl he was involved with here found out....consequently at the hands of train wreck friend.
I would love to go see what kind of trouble is brewing these days, but I'm just so damn busy on Thursday nights!
Rationalizing With The Unrational
"So what's going on with you and Tim?" The question was posed simply enough, disguised as an innocent question when in reality she knew better.
She grinned a bit, trying to hide her knowledge and asked me what I meant.
When I explained that little brother had come home a bit aggravated with her, she signaled me to wait one minute to allow little step brother (almost 13 already) pass through. She then began to explain a comment my brother had made in front of our stepfather that had gotten back to her and upset her. And then came the laundry list of things my little brother had not done.
Well apparently it all began when she suggested he continue working "just the weekend" as opposed to jumping into 5 days a week immediately. My brother is a phenomenal "kid" (technically an adult as he is 19), and he always has been. I love to live vicariously through him without ever having to deal with the hassle of overloaded FT college schedule, demanding part-time work, and a retired grandfather who misses the hell out of me and I swear saves up all his energy for the weekend when I'm home to run the shit out of me. See? Even perfection has it's price.
Of course this made Tim angry. He's trying to study for finals (hard, trust me) and here she is calling him about stupid shit. An off-handed comment he made to our stepfather, when taken without the proper context could potentially be lethal, where to send the money for our cousin Bill, when he was going to come till her garden, and ta-da "why wasn't he taking the week off to help my grandfather."
She's lonely, I get it. Her life has amounted to work, work, and more work. She missed our first everything, and now that we're all grown up with lives of our own, all she has is work.
Of course trying to talk to me about said little brother is like gearing up for the most unbelievable fencing fight of your life. With no prior training. And you'd better bring your "A" game.
1) I explained that he in the midst of studying for finals. When you're in need of a good final grade, and you're trying to cram massive amounts of information into your brain, that will make or break your final grade, possibly causing you to have to repeat the course is extremely stressful!
2) He was supposed to go on a trip to Florida with said stepfather. He found out from his boss that he has to work instead because they only have 3 people those days. He immediately told them this. She's like "But he promised that man back in January." Ok, I replied but if his bosses won't allow him to have off, is it worth it for him to lose his job because you want to go to Florida? He cannot anticipate that there would only be 3 people.
Eventually it got to the point where she told me that talking to me was like talking to him.
Eventually I got to the point where I told her she needed to be more flexible and adjust her attitude to allow for situations other people cannot control. Just because something does not happen on "your timeframe" does not make it impossible.
Of course trying to rationalize with the unrationable is like no analogy I can provide. Eventually she gave in and said if her attitude was so unbearable, "don't talk to me."
We compromised when my little brother walked in to till the garden....
She grinned a bit, trying to hide her knowledge and asked me what I meant.
When I explained that little brother had come home a bit aggravated with her, she signaled me to wait one minute to allow little step brother (almost 13 already) pass through. She then began to explain a comment my brother had made in front of our stepfather that had gotten back to her and upset her. And then came the laundry list of things my little brother had not done.
Well apparently it all began when she suggested he continue working "just the weekend" as opposed to jumping into 5 days a week immediately. My brother is a phenomenal "kid" (technically an adult as he is 19), and he always has been. I love to live vicariously through him without ever having to deal with the hassle of overloaded FT college schedule, demanding part-time work, and a retired grandfather who misses the hell out of me and I swear saves up all his energy for the weekend when I'm home to run the shit out of me. See? Even perfection has it's price.
Of course this made Tim angry. He's trying to study for finals (hard, trust me) and here she is calling him about stupid shit. An off-handed comment he made to our stepfather, when taken without the proper context could potentially be lethal, where to send the money for our cousin Bill, when he was going to come till her garden, and ta-da "why wasn't he taking the week off to help my grandfather."
She's lonely, I get it. Her life has amounted to work, work, and more work. She missed our first everything, and now that we're all grown up with lives of our own, all she has is work.
Of course trying to talk to me about said little brother is like gearing up for the most unbelievable fencing fight of your life. With no prior training. And you'd better bring your "A" game.
1) I explained that he in the midst of studying for finals. When you're in need of a good final grade, and you're trying to cram massive amounts of information into your brain, that will make or break your final grade, possibly causing you to have to repeat the course is extremely stressful!
2) He was supposed to go on a trip to Florida with said stepfather. He found out from his boss that he has to work instead because they only have 3 people those days. He immediately told them this. She's like "But he promised that man back in January." Ok, I replied but if his bosses won't allow him to have off, is it worth it for him to lose his job because you want to go to Florida? He cannot anticipate that there would only be 3 people.
Eventually it got to the point where she told me that talking to me was like talking to him.
Eventually I got to the point where I told her she needed to be more flexible and adjust her attitude to allow for situations other people cannot control. Just because something does not happen on "your timeframe" does not make it impossible.
Of course trying to rationalize with the unrationable is like no analogy I can provide. Eventually she gave in and said if her attitude was so unbearable, "don't talk to me."
We compromised when my little brother walked in to till the garden....
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