To be continued...

I unintentionally broke the news to Josh and his fiancee last night. The news about my new interest, my intent to move to NC, and what this means for all of us.

I headed to Josh's last night slightly earlier than anticipated, to just hang out and catch up. Deciding food was in the cards, we decided to grab something as soon as Katie made it in from work.

While we were talking, the inevitable question of whether I was dating someone arose. I explained that I was somewhat in between, that I had just put myself out there, and I was awaiting an answer.

"Why didn't you just e-mail him," Josh asked? "You would've gotten a response much faster!"

"E-mail wasn't a possibility,"

"Damn, I thought North Carolina was at least semi up-to-date with technology."

"Josh, 1920's gas pumps"

Eventually the evening led into more serious conversations, once Josh was consciously aware of what was going on, and the shock value wore off, we had some very serious conversations.

To be continued...you know, when I feel like exposing my personal business to the internet, and all...

Jinx!

Yesterday I received possibly the best news all day. My cousin called from North Carolina to tell me the really important decision I was waiting on, got approved!

While I know that doesn't mean a whole lot to you guys just yet, know that it's a BIG DEAL. Yeah my family gave me that same look when I freaked out the equivalent of someone winning a million dollars. Hey, the small things in life bring me the most happiness.

I'd tell you, but I'm honestly more afraid of jinxing it than I am of any of your opinions regarding the situation.

Suffice to say that I'm working my way back to healthy, and happiness is definitely in the cards, at least for the moment.

Laid Up

You! Yeah you! Come over here and let me breathe on you. My lovely children (the ones who can't yet appreciate the art of covering their noses, mouths, or washing their hands) have officially gotten me sick. And now I want to share the wealth...

I have officially been laid up for four days, and if normal breathing doesn't resume soon, I'm going to cry. So either coming bearing some "witches brew" that will make me better, or be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Oh and...Happy Thanksgiving!

She apparently has it out for me...

I didn't sleep at all tonight, not a wink. Perhaps it had to do with my altercation or lack there of this morning, with the child abuse accusing mother.

First and foremost let me say that her child only comes into class twice per week. She entered the classroom to find I already had two children. The children are siblings, and their parents whom usually drop them off, were away on a trip. So therefore the grandparents dropped them off, the grandparents that they spend their days not in school (they only come three days per week) with dropped off. So there was a lot of emotions running high as it was among the children.

One of my children is particularly fearful of certain parents when they enter the room. She will literally climb on me to feel comfort from being exposed this person, and when the abuse accusing mother walked in the room, it was no exception.

Her sibling had already asked for his cup, and we have them sit down whenever they're eating or drinking. I walked around with her on my hip for a good portion of the dropoff time of the other child. I knew the child still with her mother was going to be having a hard time in a minute or so, so I attempted to put down the child I was holding, providing physical contact, and speaking in a low, calming voice to explain what was going to happen. Somewhat of a drama queen, a tantrum ensued, I continued with calming words, and offerring her a drink. Of course she would have to sit in the chair to have a drink, which she accepted.

The mother quietly left the room, and went to my supervisor. She told my supervisor that the children were being FORCED to sit in a chair when they were crying, and they weren't playing with any toys. My supervisor entered the room to check up on the situation, and all melt downs had ceased to exist. The siblings were still sitting quietly sipping their juice. My supervisor returned to the mother, and explained that everyone was doing as they were supposed to.

But it's still aggravating that she has it out for me!

Friday at Midnight

Is it Friday at midnight yet? I know I should be more excited, but I am one point five working days, a workout, and a Biology test away from actually leaving, and that's affecting my excited state.

Friday at midnight is when Tim (my younger brother), and I begin our mini-road trip to North Carolina. Suffice it to say that I'm going to visit some family, and potentially someone my cousin introduced me to. (We've sent a few messages back and forth). Seeing him may be a challenge on this trip, but I am certainly looking forward to the possibility.

So make that one point five working days, a workout, a Biology test, packing, going to the bank and Target, laundry, kissing my dog, and dragging my lazy ass out of bed after a long ass work day before midnight away from leaving.

But I'm sure all will go well. Someone be sure to tune in to Josh and Kb's radio show this weekend, and let me know when they go to town on the football scene. Because I'll want to call in, and defend. ;)

"Stay"

I had the pleasure of speaking with Dean on Monday night. As he relayed the intimate details of his last relationship to me, I listened quietly as a bit of envy creeped in. He explained that given X situation, he felt guilty for his former flame engaging in certain activities that were a) inappropriate and b) not his fault.

I didn't fault him for feeling bad, despite my initial reaction to do so. Just because you're not supposed to feel a certain way, doesn't keep it from happening. To ignore the facts, is not to change the facts. I explained that my ex, whom the ship has sailed was attempting to hook up with someone else, right in front of me. I can't give more details than that without singling the person out, which is not my intention. For once, it's not about him. I explained to Dean that had this person called me on the phone, and we were talking it would have been fine. I wouldn't have had near the amount of discomfort if he told me he met someone new, blah, blah blah. I'd be happy for him. But to be crude in front of me was plain out disrespectful. I thought the lesson to be learned from that particular instance was that he's really unconscious of how other people feel around him, and the appropriate time and place for such conversations/activities. I felt that I couldn't possibly be friends with someone who doesn't respect me, but that's yet to be completely decided.

The pang of jealousy running through me made me want to physically harm him! I mean HOW DARE he do more for this girl than me, his former fiancee! But I told myself, the purpose of speaking to him wasn't to compare notes, it was to be there for a friend. And I was a better person. So when I got off the phone with him, I realized, hey! what I always say is true. People don't just walk away from me, they walk away better. And instantaneously I felt better about being friends with him.

As for my other former flame, it took until tonight when I was driving home from class for it to hit me. Sugarland has released a new single called "Stay" that has great vocals. So I began to sing along, trying to learn the words, and stretch my vocals. (I love getting new material). As the words crossed her lips, and mine simultaneously, the lyrics "It's too much pain to have to bare/To love a man you have to share" and I instaneously knew what she meant. I may have had him physically, but she had his heart. The words "I've given you my best/Why does she get the best of you" fully emphasized what I was feeling. I feel like I endured the hell and didn't get to reap the rewards, but as he once said to me about another situation, "It's not about you now".

I guess the ultimate lesson is a hard one to learn. Yes, they come in to my life, and the leave better. I don't intentionally try to change them (and when I've set out to do so in the past, I've failed miserably), but it always seems to happen that way. And I'm grateful for my ability to give back. But they also give me so much. So as Thanksgiving nears, I want to recount everything they've given me. To appreciate how far I really have come, and how much further I have to go. Look for it soon, I'll be in touch!

A Ration Of Shit...

I recently became aware that a double-standard exists. When I was spending all my time with "J" and running into, and around the city almost constantly, my mother was constantly on egg shells. The woman would call me at 11-12 o'clock at night, freaking out that I might be the person she saw on television, that was shot, in a car accident, a body found in the woods, or burned to death. While I appreciate her concern, it was a bit dramatic.

But when my brother goes to Temple (a known bad area of Philly), for a PARTY, where stupid kids are likely to drink too much, do drugs, engage in unsafe sex, not to mention get SHOT, that's okay.

When I'm putting up with incessant bullshit from former flames, he's a no good P.O.S., and I need to leave. I need to get rid of the drama. Blah, Blah, Blah. But when I tell him HEY! You have drama! He tells me that "What one calls drama, another calls everyday life."

Listen, I appreciate the concern. I'm glad that everyone is looking out for me. And keep that up, I need it. But take your own advice sometimes, okay? Especially if you're going to give me a ration of shit.

'Round Every Bend I Only See Just How Far I Haven't Come

I used to be Christian from Nip/Tuck. I'd sleep around, although unlike Christian I didn't intentionally do it. I worked by a man's standards when it came to sex. Was I single? The single most important question. I don't cheat. But if I'm single, fair is fair. Do I want to? It's usually a quick answer if I'm doing the rundown. Is it available? Always. So imagine my surprise when I've found out that I'm losing a part of myself in not being able to be that person anymore. I use it as a front, because that's who I am, as I fight the pain and the war raging inside of me, that I don't want anyone else to know about.

Recently a series of exes have popped up. Like out of nowhere. And some of them, eh it's nothing anymore, but others it's like ripping myself open just to peer down and see how much I've healed. I'm not sad, it's just painful.

Take for example when "N" popped up two weeks after his disappearance, accusing me of disappearing. Supposedly a "miscommunication", he had failed to even try to contact me in two weeks! And he had justified it with why I wouldn't have contacted him, and why he didn't contact me.

Then (and possibly before "N") "J" was popping up. First there was the "I've changed" spiel. Then of course I needed to contact him a few times via e-mail (gym membership reasons, life-threatening reasons etc.) Now we talk idly from time to time (our last conversation centered around the weather), but his presence doesn't really affect me anymore.

Now Dean is back. He sent me a Myspace message saying he was trying to call me, but I had changed my number. From the tone of the message it didn't sound like he felt I was going to reply. I did though. I sent my new number knowing there wasn't much that he could say that would rattle me. He wants to be friends. He wants to talk. And then he told me he was still crazy about me. That rattled me.

Ozz has been welcome back. And I'm so glad that he is. He's one person I can go to for advice about anything, and he always has great stories. Not to mention excellent taste in clothes. He's getting his somewhere else, totally falling for what seems to be a good girl this time, and I couldn't be happier for him. Maybe because we never were defined by a relationship, it doesn't bother me.

Josh has always been part of my life, and he's now engaged to someone else. He's happy mostly, (we'll discuss the double standard at another time), and I couldn't be happier for him either.

Then there's KB. If I'm away from him, I'm fine. He's a great guy. He has a lot to offer, but I regret there are certain aspects that would keep anything real from developing between us. And they exist on both ends. (Example he doesn't want kids, I do). If I don't see him it's like the pain doesn't exist, even though I know he does. I think if we were having a phone conversation, and he was telling me about a new woman, it wouldn't bring up the regurgitation that is an ex-boyfriend that physically seeing him being able to move on when I can't (and it's not just him that it's because of). I admire him for being able to do what I can't, I value his friendship and think he's an awesome person. But right now it's like ripping my already hanging-by-a thread interior out of me sans anesthesia.

So by this list, I'm doing well. I'm down to two exes that still can get a rise out of me.

The funny thing is I have a series of men in my life. I'm like a magnet, people are naturally drawn to me. I'm constantly meeting new people, but as long as I'm partially stuck in the past, I'll never have my whole heart to give. And if my heart isn't in it, how can I expect my head to be?

Jumping through hoops

Last night, despite my ass looking the best it ever has, a few realizations came to my attention:

A) I blogged about my first working offense, which I had forgotten I'd done. Really, I write it down, dump it here, and forget about it. It leaves my conscience feeling light and carefree.

B) I saw an ex that I swore I wasn't going to see for a while until I was over it, and you're looking at a potential rant in my next blog.

I wish I could say my list of misdemeanors ended with the accusations of child abuse, but it didn't. Hey, I'm human, and working in an industry in which I've never had the opportunity. I do feel compelled to tell you that I was forced against my will to communicate with the child abuse accusing mother the next day that her child was there, via the phone mind you. And it went relatively well. All positive things to say to her. Then I had the opportunity to communicate with her and her husband again on Friday, apparently the child wasn't feeling well that day, and was going to be a bit more cranky than usual. That turned out to be true, but the child wasn't unbearable, so I didn't send her home.

I think it was Wednesday that I made my 2nd very big error. I had to work with the idiot new teacher, and we split into small groups. Two of the children in my group are siblings, twins to be exact, and they had been having some important issues during the day that I needed to address with the parents. I told the dumb as a rock teacher to switch with me, to come outside and manage my kids while I went in and spoke to the parents. She complied.

Much to my dismay though, the daily sheet the parents receive were outside on my clipboard. I explained to the parents that I needed to run out quickly and grab the sheets. That would've been fine had three children not been left in the room without someone who works at the center. Granted, it was a second before the dumb as a rock teacher was back inside, and I was getting verbally reprimanded by another teacher. I went and immediately confessed to my supervisor, and thankfully wasn't fired on the spot. I did have to put it into writing, and there I asked for more help, more guidance. I explained that I love these kids, I'd never do anything to endanger them, and I apologized profusely for my mistake. I think it was my honesty that saved me.

I wish the drama ended there, but then again this is my life. Determined to turn over a new leaf and avoid potentially endangering-a-child mistakes, on Friday I again had to work with the dumb as a rock teacher. I was taking my group outside after snack time, doing roll call at the back door when another teacher walked into my room. She was asking for some icing for the cupcake she was holding, which was fine. The problem was that she left the door open. One of the children's parents was in the room next door (we combine when teachers leave for the day), and I heard the child go "Momma!" I ran and quickly grabbed her before she ran out the door, and haded her off to her mother. When I turned around I frantically asked the remaining two teachers where the children were.

"What children?"

"J and J" (Names not used for those under 18)

"Well J is right there...oh where's J?"

We found him in the lobby, he had apparently run out of the room before I had commandeered the other child. Granted, it wasn't entirely my fault, and I wasn't the only one reprimanded. But it still added to an otherwise jumping-through-hoops kind of day.

Sex Jeans...

Today I found myself in the mood to shop... a rareity I assure you. As I wandered around the isles of Marshall's discontent at what i was seeing, I suddenly found my backbone and walked out. I shouldn't have to settle for anything that doesn't make me feel absolutely FABULOUS.

Knowing that Kohls was a few (hundred?) feet away, I made my way down there to peruse their racks and see what I could find. and what I found was.....I'm a terrible shopper. I had no idea what to look for, and I know I always have a resource who is fun, loves to shop, provides excellent conversation, and isn't gay: my friend Ozz.

Now I call Ozz my personal shopper, even though I'm usually with him when he shops. He knows what not to dress me in (stripes etc.), and what colors will make me look really, really good. He dressed me once before, and I looked so cute it was ridiculous!

I called him to find him awake but still in bed, fighting off an illness he himself couldn't get rid of, and couldn't give away. It's really quite depressing when you can't share the wealth with other people...

A short time later he was at the store gathering different pairs of jeans for me to try on. Jeans he referred to as "sex jeans". When I raised my eyebrows he said "When you see a girl wearing these jeans you know they want sex, I don't know what it is."

Given my libido, I'm thinking a few pairs a day would be needed to fully communicate the message.....

In the end I walked away with 3 pairs of sex jeans, and two tops. One very form fitting black turtleneck, and a combination shirt in a teal color. I tried out the low rise sex jeans last night, with the teeny-tiny turtleneck and it did well...if his continuing to walk behind me was any indication ;)

No one else likes her either...

There's a new teacher at work, and she's driving me crazy. Dumb people are seriously my pet peeve, and if this girl was any dumber, she'd be a rock.

When I first met her, on her interview I told my boss I didn't like her. Having her come into the center, didn't improve my opinion any.

For example, the girl thinks that I WANT to be her BFF. I guess my silence in response to almost every idiodic word that comes out of her mouth is just "me playing hard to get".

She tried talking to me about her "old job" yesterday while I'm trying to change the children. Every other word was "It was terrible." Either there's an echo in the room, or you need to stop repeating yourself. And I don't care what you or your fiancee do on a Friday night.

Then, I overheard say to a parent that "we didn't know where the child was" but she was "just kidding" (the child was clearly in that room), and that since she was the only teacher in her room to date, that she can "do whatever she wants, like throw parties" and again she was "just kidding." The partying comment wouldn't have bothered me too bad if she hadn't said it in front of a parent. They pay good money to put their children in able hands! Act like a professional!

Furthermore, you CANNOT walk into someone else's room and criticize what you think a one-year old should do. No, my kids don't help clean up by themselves, but they're 1, and we're working on it.

Seoncondly, withholding milk from a child because she doesn't say "please" is not okay. Ever.

Staff meetings are for listening. Not making noises like you're 5, or asking questions that pertain to only you and your room. Everything is on a need to know basis. You'll know when you need to.

Thanks for listening to my rant, but no one else likes her either.

Now I'm Cashing In On That Miracle...

On Monday morning, after a near break down of hysterics on Friday night, I marched into work determined to face any apprehensions of talking to my boss, and I asked to speak to her.

Once we were safely within the confines of her office, a sun glare so bright in my face, I'm sure I looked as if I had just eaten a lemon, I explained the whole truth to the situation on Friday.

She told me that no one blamed me for the child falling, and getting hurt. And apparently at this staff meeting, and/or before she's going to remind everyone, to include my Lead Teacher, to call a parent when they see a mark- be it a scrape, scratch etc.

She also told me they were going to speak to the child's mother, and to explain to her what normal toddler behavior is, and see if she wants her child to transition or withdrawl.

My boss explained that either way my company was going to stand behind it's employees that we were not negligent in any way, despite her accusations.

I felt such a huge relief when that weight was lifted off my shoulders. Now if I could just find the new girl some common sense...we'd be doing well...but then again I guess NOW I AM asking for miracles!

Not Quite What I Had In Mind...

On Saturday night, my "study night" when I was supposed to accomplish much of the work that needed doing, I ended up getting suckered into going to the bar to shoot a round of pool.

Now don't get me wrong, I love bars, but not in the way you might imagine. I like the atmosphere, but maybe being a bartender does that to me. I like meeting new people, and talking to them. Drinkers always have the best stories, and being able to talk to someone, and have them be able to share their secret is always my ultimate goal.

So down to the bar we went. "We" being me and my stepfather, Bruce, whom has this bad habit of pretending he just turned 21. I asked for a diet soda. What came back was white. Now unless Coke is up to something new, Diet Coke isn't white. But I know how bars can be, sometimes the gun runs out, and she didn't know how to change it. The weird thing was it tasted like carbonated water. Soda guns that run out of soda, don't have carbonation. But I let it go.

Bruce encouraged me to drink. So I asked for a Long Island. She told me that she didn't know how to make it. So I told her what was in it. She told me she didn't know what Triple Sec was, and they definitely didn't have Sour Mix. Like even to make whiskey sours. I was pissed! No wonder we're the only ones in the bar on a Saturday night! She told me someone else had come in and ordered a Sex on the Beach, but he couldn't tell her what was in it. "We're a shot, and a beer bar, nothing fancy," she told me. Yeah, and again that's why you made a whole whopping $6 on a Saturday night.

The evening progressively got weirder. I'm not sure why I'm always the target of unwanted attention, but apparently Saturday was the night that everyone decided I was being coy. My stepfather acting weird aside (he tried to put a dollar bill down my shirt as if I was some sort of stripper), and my immediate departure from said location, it turned out to be pretty interesting.

A place called Pump Town...where my friends had visited before caught my attention. Needless to say it's a hole in the wall strip club, and the strippers, seeing a woman were all to physical for my comfort. It's like "HERE, I'll give you a dollar to go away." And they did. Funny how that works. Female, in a strip club, and not a man makes a move. Oh no. But the women do...

So basically I've resolved to avoid my stepfather when drinking (and all other times if possible), and any strip clubs unless accompanied by VERY horny guys who will all too happily potentially put themselves in harms way for me.

The Last Time I Had A Tour...

On Saturday I went and met with Keith of Bally's Total Fitness. Completely fed up with my inability to avoid exercise, and still look good (no pain, no gain, right?) I went in to talk about my account, pay the associated $100 fee, and get added on to the account I'm paying for.

Needless to say talking to someone in person tends to yield a lot more results than talking to someone on the phone. In person, they score commission, and they're all too happy to let you have it 'your way'. Fortunately for me, "my way" didn't screw anyone over, and made everyone involved very happy campers.

That's not the most interesting part. The Bally's faces out to the main road across from the King of Prussia mall. Having visited The Marriot there before, I knew the parking lot well, and parked between The Marriot and some other ritzy hotel. I hiked my lazy ass all the way up the hill, and up the two flights of stairs to the front door, prepared to go in, and meet with the guy I thought was named "Pete".

As I reached the door in all my glory, and thinking that no cardio warm-up would be necessary (I mean heck, it was like scaling Mt. Everest over there), I read the sign on the door that says "DO NOT ENTER. Please use rear entrance."

I'm sure all the people driving on Mall Boulevard were amused, as were the people in the pool. I then hiked my lazy ass all the way back down the steps, down the hill, and around to the back of the building. Another 100 feet or so, I actually reached the entrance to Bally's. Annoyed with myself, I opened the door, and was met face-to-face with a decent looking dark haired man.

"Hey, how are you?" he asked me. I politely replied, and kept going asking myself what kind of weirdo tries to pick up women as they walk in the front door. It turns out the weirdo was "Keith" aka "Pete" whom is also my favorite person right now.

I explained my situation, that I had been working out with a friend, lost my job, and in between jobs I couldn't afford the gas to drive there three times per week so I let my workouts lapse. I didn't tell him if I'm at home, I won't exercise. I need a gym.

Once that was complete they got some buff man, who's name I can't remember...started with a "B" though to give me a tour. For being a typical gym-goer (we should all aspire to do so well for our bodies), he was actually a pretty good tour guide, and interesting to talk to. In a span of 10 minutes, I found out he had a fiancee, a dog, and no children. I'm adding "easy to talk to" to my resume as we speak. The funniest thing was when he called "J" my husband. That's right friends, my HUSBAND. I laughed. Out loud. Bent over, in a fit of hysterics.

"He's not my husband," I managed to squeeze out between laughs.

Clearly uncomfortable he searched for an alternative "Okay you're man......friend."

The tour was over by then and I went on my merry mile long walk back to the car. And Sunday I worked out my first day. Tank tops, and cute dresses. Sssh I'm trying to motivate myself

The Hardest Thing...

On Friday afternoon I was in the midst of cleaning up my room to go home for the day, (On Wednesday, Halloween, my job had sent me home early (45 min early!) when all my children had left to go on their trick-or-treating way. So I was making a lame attempt to make up for some of that lost time.) when my Lead Teacher asked me if one of the children fell abnormally.

One of the infants is old enough to move into our Toddler Room, and we're working on transitioning her. She's not as big as the other children, and she's a year old. Trying to do things that one year old's want to do, such as sitting in chairs, climbing, and walking are all major challenges they face. This particular child loves it in our room, and does her best to keep up with the other children.

Her mother came to pick her up, and noticed two new scrapes on her face. She demanded to know what happened. I honestly couldn't tell her. I hadn't noticed the scrapes, or I would have filled out an accident report.

The mother explained that she had dropped her child off that morning, and another child had come over and hit her. She didn't want to move her child from the infant room to the Toddler Room because she "didn't want her to get too many bumps, and bruises." She continued, "I'm sure she would've cried over this, didn't you see her cry?"

"Yes I heard her cry many a times! And many a times I stopped, picked her up, and comforted her. I didn't see the scrapes."

"Well," said my Lead Toddler Teacher, "I saw them when I was putting her down for her nap." She never said a word to me.

I was so upset last night that I ended up taking a drive, and just really bawling my eyes out. I mean one of my kids had an allergic reaction, and was running around without a second thought, and I was freaking out. But this woman made me feel like less than a person by not being able to watch HER kid, let alone ALL of my kids ALL THE TIME.

She stopped short of accusing me of child abuse, but I'm seriously contemplating going to school FT, getting done, and just working PT. Now comes the hard part, trying to figure out where to transfer to!

10,000 Angels

Last night I was scheduled to attend a wrestling show, my first since the days of "J", with "N". It's my suspicion that tonight was going to be the night he proposed.

He feels cheated, and I'm not sure I trust him. Either he's sadly mistaken about whom "J" is, and is targeting the wrong person, or, he lied about "J" being at that convention.

Ultimately though I feel that fate intervened. Fate did what it knew I was incapable of doing: letting go. Part of me is sad, I want to get married, but I also don't want to compromise. As "N" and I got closer we found our differences pushing us further apart.

I'm hoping there is a greater good that is going to come along, as the end of something always signals the beginning of something new.

So as Mindy McCready once said, "I have 10,000 angels watching over me tonight."

My reply

ARE YOU SERIOUS? I DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH?
Cute. No really, a real tear-jerker, and if I had
played any part in YOUR disappearance, then I might be
inclined to feel bad.

What part of I left you a message, seeing how you were
doing blah, blah, blah. No reply. Then I left another
message on a Monday or Tuesday saying if I didn't hear
from you by Friday I was assuming you were gone. I
said that I despise when people won't tell me they're
leaving, and that I'd let you cop out, and send me an
e-mail....I meant by Friday.

So the next time you want to play victim, at least you
know, make it my fault. Because I'm not stupid, there
are people who know that I called you, and got no
response. If this is how you want to go out, then you
deserve 80 years of turmoil. But let me say from
experience that one day you really have to do admit
that the truth is better than lies and relationships
take 2.

As far as "J" goes, it was not, nor is it now your
place to deal with him, see to it that he is dealt
with, or have any contact with him on my behalf. Ever.


Now, I promised that I wouldn't stand in the way of
your leaving, and I have kept that promise. Best of
luck with your future endeavors.

If Michael Myers was a poet...

I officially heard from "N' today. He writes:

Cheryl,
I don't know why you disappeared or why you stopped calling and e-mailing me and I probably never will know. It's probably something stupid I said or did and it'll probably eat away at me until I'm eighty years old, incontinent and in a nursing home. I just felt the need to write and say I feel like a lost soul without you. It's a feeling that will never go away, no matter how long I live.
No, wait, I lied. I'm pretty sure why you stopped talking to me. Sadly, it's something I can never change about myself. I know I shouldn't have gotten so jealous over "J", but that's just me. It hurts me to see somebody I love get disrespected and what he was doing was just that, at least in my eyes. I know my intentions of scaring him out of your life for good pissed you off and, while I do apologize for hurting you, I have to be honest with you. I would say and do those things again and again if I had everything to do over again. You don't deserve the bullshit that man put you through and he needs to go away.
I miss you and I do love you, Cheryl, and while I have no idea if those words have any effect on you now, I couldn't close this e-mail and shut my PC off without saying them. I might've only gotten the chance to spend those brief twenty-four hours with you there, but they were the best twenty-four hours of my life. The image of your beautiful smile will live with me forever.

My reply tomorrow...

"Our Song"

Taylor Swift has a new song out on country radio called "Our Song". Now when I first heard the song, I loved it, as I've loved everything she's written. But it made me think of someone, and a particular instance made it so true...

Back when I was dating "N', the first time we almost broke-up, I started driving with no destination in mind, and kept on driving till I hit NJ. "N" refused to hang up the phone with me even to let me get gas, and when I had finally reached KB's I knew it would be impossible to let KB know I was there (unexpectedly), and not have "N" know I was not at my home as I claimed.

It was a weird time, like 1 a.m. and I was unemployed (or something) at the time that afforded me to be off the next working day. KB's house has a side door that connects to his computer room which is on the side of the house closest to the garage. I definitely didn't want to ring the doorbell and awake the whole house, so finally getting off the phone with "N", under the pretense of "being home, and going right to bed", I cautiously approached the door.

Thankfully he didn't completely freak when he saw me suddenly appear in the window, and call the police or anything. He told me he couldn't open that door, and that I needed to go around to the front door where he'd let me in.

I recounted the whole story to him, in which he informed me this soon-to-be ex was no different than the last one, and I was welcome to stay. He left a note for his parents while I was sleeping, but awaking at 6 a.m. and not wanting to be a burden, I left and drove all the way home on three hours of sleep.

So when the lyrics says "sneaking out late, tapping on your window" it conjures up a very literal memory for KB and myself! (Not to mention the whole "first date, man I didn't kiss him, and I should have")