Breaking Up Is Hard Enough...

Sorry if my last post was a mess of rambling, incoherent emotion. Breaking up tends to do that to me. Or should I say pseudo-breaking up?

Chris and I are fine for the moment as far as things go. Really we won't have the opportunity to talk until next Thursday due to his mother's impromptu visit.

I'm still definitively upset about the whole not asking her to come another time thing. I know Tori visiting Chris has a lot to do with him calling the house and asking to talk to her. It doesn't matter that he called to ask if I could bring Amber up there, it matters that he called, and asked for her. They spoke, which they haven't done in a long time.

Frankly, I'm not worried about the two of them getting back together? Do I think it will happen? Not while he and I are an item, a sure-fire way to ruin it with me. Then again, how would I know if they were kissy and cuddly? I wouldn't. I would hope his guilty conscience would eventually get the best of him and he would tell me but in light of recent events, I just don't know.

And if they do get back together? What am I really going to do? To say? Not much apparently.

I talked to one of my friends at work tonight to try and get my head around what is going on. She felt too that it was really shitty of his mom not to tell him, and to come on the only night that I get to see him due to my work schedule.

She also told me that he needs to intervene- fair or not, before it comes down to him having to pick between me and his mom. And really if his mom is going to use that child card to hold over his head he needs to eliminate that power right away and not let her use Amber as a pawn. And if he won't stand up for me, well then it's time for him to go. Seriously, we're both adults and her meddling is not only affecting, but hurting both of us.

The conversation about quitting school, and the moving went well, and rather very maturely. I'm hoping this one goes equally as well.

So Everyone Gets the Same Story...

I'll admit it. I've been harder than the President (um, no pun intended) to get on the phone. But that hasn't slowed Chris's persistence to get ahold of me.

Finally he gave in, and asked his mother to call me. Of course last night I was completely beat and went to bed early. (Thankfully since wake up call was 5:30 a.m.). I left my phone in the event that he called, but even told Anil not to call me last night when he was done at the gym. And I enjoy talking to him. So when my phone finally told me I had a voicemail (as opposed to telling me someone was calling, allowing me to take the call), I had no choice but to clear it out. And then I turned it off.

At 5:30 this morning when I was finally able to convince myself that getting out of bed was a requirement for a paycheck (fairly important if I don't want awful credit...), I listened to my voicemail message thinking it was Anil leaving me a message anyways.

Much to my surprise it was Janet, Chris's mom. She and I have always had a funny relationship. I imagine it has mostly to do with the loyalties she pretends, and obviously feels obligated to have to her son's baby momma whom lives with her. Really I see no point in such pretenses, but don't judge her for that particular indescretion.

I do however judge her for awful voicemail messages which immediately bring me to tears. The kind that suggest I'm not welcome to visit my boyfriend on a day we planned because she, her friend from FL, and the crack-whore bitch are going to visit. (Trust me, my descriptions are flowery...)

The worst part was that she made it sound like Chris knew this was going to happen and chose their hour over spending the day with me.

So convinced that this indeed was the case that a break-up was in order.

Looking back it seems dramatic, but honestly the whole Chris and me breaking up thing has been a long-time coming. From the, "I wouldn't tell you if I went back to drugs" to the me moving to now this, it was literally the final straw that broke the camel's back.

I bawled all the way to work. Couldn't eat. Couldn't call out. Couldn't go home sick. So instead I made it through the day like a zombie on the verge of bursting into tears at any second.

And when I finally slid behind the wheel of my car, I made it two exists before I lost it, and bawled most of the way home.

When I finally made it home, I got the mail, touched up my make-up and rehearsed what I would say to Chris until I could dash off the old dear john letter.

When I finally talked to him he was beaming with pride when he told me his mother promised him a surprise. He was hoping it was going to be one of his sister's, but when I informed him in a positively pissy tone that it was Tori, his mother, and Barbara, he couldn't have faked a better response.

So really I'm at the point where we're okay...for now. But unfortunately the relationship tolerance level never goes quite back to where it was. And I know this, so I'm trying to recooperate, and deal with the very delicate balance that is my relationship and my emotions right now.

Honestly, had that phone call not come through this would be an entirely different post. One of which would have included insomia, anorexia, and lots, and lots of tears. And possibly straight shots of tequila.

I did mention to Chris that I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with his mother. And I won't. I refuse to. After all, she is his mother, and I am the girlfriend. Therefore, it is not fair to make him choose between us. So I'll make the choosing damn easy.

I'm still kind of up in the air what to do with the whole friend I've never dated situation now. Honestly, I've never experienced this problem before. I've either been wrapped up entirely in one guy, or my relationships didn't last long enough for me to worry.

Solicitation

So internet, since we're back on speaking terms I feel it imperative to tell you the following story:


There is this girl I know, whom got married at a very young age of 21 after only knowing her fiancee for less than 6 months. There were many signs this marriage was doomed from the beginning including, but not limited to, having to drag him to the jewlery store when he preferred to play video games; paying for her own engagement ring; and sleeping with his best friend. (Trust me, there is a reason that I'm throwing out this girl's business to you).

She get married, and is divorced by the ripe old age of 25. She gets over being divorced and gets engaged again.

Before the second marriage can take place, she breaks off the engagement and sends out a mass e-mail asking all of her friends and family to support her in her difficult time.

Not 2 weeks later I get another e-mail asking if I'll be at the reception on such and such a date.

Now I've never gotten a direct story from this person about why the engagement ended, but I've inquired as to what she's told other people and it was primarily about stipulations he made in regards to what he thought she should weigh before he would marry her.

The guy is clearly an ass. You don't get back engaged to him! So I politely wrote her back and said, "I thought you called off the engagement????"

I get an e-mail back saying that she did, but she has since picked up a new fiancee in the guy that was supposed to DJ her wedding.

WTF?

She sends me the link to her wedding website.

Shocker, she's known the guy less than 6 months, and has been dating him for a few weeks!

I write her back and say, "You know, this is what movies are made of, so I know you know this is crazy? Right? Why the rush to get married?"

Well she writes back, "Why not? What do you think people thought when you left for NC?"

My natural response is that I don't really care. I did it for me, not for anyone else. But then that would be her point as well and it's different. I was moving out on my own, and stepping out into the world. But I also openly admitted that I moved to NC for a boy. And I'm so glad then when the honeymoon period wore off I still had a deep and profound love and respect for said boy. But what if I hadn't and had jumped in with both feet, marrying him? Then breaking up becomes a huge deal, and very expensive.

My feeling is that if love is real then there's nothing it cannot withstand. And if that's true, then why the rush?

It has also been my personal experience that when people get engaged very quickly it's usually because either a) they're idiots, or b) one person feels like it's a guarantee--no matter how short--that they'll hold onto the newness, the happiness, and/or a person that they wouldn't otherwise be able to hold on to.

I explained all of this to her (and more), and then asked again, "What happens when the honeymoon period ends?"

She wrote me back, but I didn't read it. Why? Because she's one of these people that LOVES drama. And I'm sure when the dust settles with all of this she'll find another way to kick up the dust again. So verbally sparring with her is pointless.

And the moral of the story is: If you don't want people to ruin your perfect bubble world, stop putting your shit out there to people whom didn't ask you about, or you're soliciting both what you want to hear about yourself, and what you don't.

And I'm Back!

Internet...oh how I've missed you. Can you keep a secret? You've kept all of my secrets so safe before, I'm hoping this is no exception. I haven't told Chris yet, and the mere thought causes tears to spring to my eyes. In a way, I know it's not fair for me to tell you before I tell him.

I am very poor. So poor that I'm forced to live 40 minutes from my job which takes a large toll on gas, and forces me to change my oil about every month and a half. I'm also forced to live in sub-artic temperatures with crappy roommates. And while I'd love to say I've been 100% faithful, my archives, and my conscience will tell you differently.

I could make a thousand justifications--we had an agreement; if only my friends were here; but the truth is that it's my own loneliness and lack of willpower that got to me. Attention has always been and will always be my weakness.

So I've made up my mind that in July when my lease is up there is no more playing around. I'm going to buckle down and get my degree. And I'm going to do it as cheaply as possible. Which unfortunately means moving back to PA.

What it does not mean is living rent free at home. God, that would be torture. So I'm making arrangements to live with Ozz (if I can afford him), or better yet with my cousin, Stephanie. This way my commute is dramatically reduced, tuition would be about $5,000 per year (a considerable saving compared to $20,000 per year), and I would be able to still visit Chris frequently. Even if it means driving. A lot.

Part of this is due in part to the fact that the only friend that I have, that I have refrained from dating, or sleeping with has expressed interest in a serious relationship. Being in a situation where I only feel at home once a week, and exist in a bubble for the rest of the time this seems prudent for me not to feel cheated, and ready to give up when Chris gets out. If things continue to go that way.

Said friend says he is going to visit me at the end of February/beginning of March. Depending how things go, could potentially alter the course of fate.

Of course this is also fueled by the fact that Chris has expressed to me, and rightfully so, that this is not a fairytale. We will not be having him get out of prison in approximately 4.5 years and be able to get married and start a family and essentially live the dream. Life will still be difficult as he tries to stand on his own two feet and prove to everyone, including himself that he can remain out of prison. Not only is this daunting to him, it's daunting to me!

Tonight when I went to visit Chris, he snapped at me, "why don't you stop threatening me everytime I bring up the subject ". The truth is that drugs scare me. This whole situation scares the shit out of me. Either way it's a gamble and as I believe that this life is a repeat of the past, I wonder what a past me would have done. Was it the right decision? Would I have done things differently? Did I have regrets?

Undoubtedly I have a deep and profound love and respect for Chris, and what he's trying to do. And he was right when he accused me of threatening him. But it still hurt my feelings. Part of me is trying to justify my need to be sure by dating someone else. Part of me is trying to justify my need to not be so deep that I drown down here while I'm waiting for July to come. And part of me feels guilty for trying to put myself first so that we aren't in a ton of debt, and that I end up happy regardless of who's feelings that hurts.

It is all a balancing act. And I'm so afraid that one move, potentially my next move (no pun intended) will be the wrong one, and forever condemn me to a life without love and happiness which I so desperately crave.