And I'm Back!

Internet...oh how I've missed you. Can you keep a secret? You've kept all of my secrets so safe before, I'm hoping this is no exception. I haven't told Chris yet, and the mere thought causes tears to spring to my eyes. In a way, I know it's not fair for me to tell you before I tell him.

I am very poor. So poor that I'm forced to live 40 minutes from my job which takes a large toll on gas, and forces me to change my oil about every month and a half. I'm also forced to live in sub-artic temperatures with crappy roommates. And while I'd love to say I've been 100% faithful, my archives, and my conscience will tell you differently.

I could make a thousand justifications--we had an agreement; if only my friends were here; but the truth is that it's my own loneliness and lack of willpower that got to me. Attention has always been and will always be my weakness.

So I've made up my mind that in July when my lease is up there is no more playing around. I'm going to buckle down and get my degree. And I'm going to do it as cheaply as possible. Which unfortunately means moving back to PA.

What it does not mean is living rent free at home. God, that would be torture. So I'm making arrangements to live with Ozz (if I can afford him), or better yet with my cousin, Stephanie. This way my commute is dramatically reduced, tuition would be about $5,000 per year (a considerable saving compared to $20,000 per year), and I would be able to still visit Chris frequently. Even if it means driving. A lot.

Part of this is due in part to the fact that the only friend that I have, that I have refrained from dating, or sleeping with has expressed interest in a serious relationship. Being in a situation where I only feel at home once a week, and exist in a bubble for the rest of the time this seems prudent for me not to feel cheated, and ready to give up when Chris gets out. If things continue to go that way.

Said friend says he is going to visit me at the end of February/beginning of March. Depending how things go, could potentially alter the course of fate.

Of course this is also fueled by the fact that Chris has expressed to me, and rightfully so, that this is not a fairytale. We will not be having him get out of prison in approximately 4.5 years and be able to get married and start a family and essentially live the dream. Life will still be difficult as he tries to stand on his own two feet and prove to everyone, including himself that he can remain out of prison. Not only is this daunting to him, it's daunting to me!

Tonight when I went to visit Chris, he snapped at me, "why don't you stop threatening me everytime I bring up the subject ". The truth is that drugs scare me. This whole situation scares the shit out of me. Either way it's a gamble and as I believe that this life is a repeat of the past, I wonder what a past me would have done. Was it the right decision? Would I have done things differently? Did I have regrets?

Undoubtedly I have a deep and profound love and respect for Chris, and what he's trying to do. And he was right when he accused me of threatening him. But it still hurt my feelings. Part of me is trying to justify my need to be sure by dating someone else. Part of me is trying to justify my need to not be so deep that I drown down here while I'm waiting for July to come. And part of me feels guilty for trying to put myself first so that we aren't in a ton of debt, and that I end up happy regardless of who's feelings that hurts.

It is all a balancing act. And I'm so afraid that one move, potentially my next move (no pun intended) will be the wrong one, and forever condemn me to a life without love and happiness which I so desperately crave.