When Shit Hits The Fan, It's Never Distributed Evenly...

I've often heard people say that "you can't really get to know a person through the internet" or "How could you tell my tone? It was over the internet." The fact of the matter is though, that written word has been around for hundreds of years, and it packs a powerful punch. How we word something, be it an e-mail, a letter of love, or "John Dear" can all allow us to more fully express ourselves without interruption. And it is without this interruption that allows us to communicate ourselves more freely, and more completely, ironic in, and of itself, in that the written word is far more permanant than the spoken word. Yet both can affect us deeply, and remain with us for a long time.

I am writing this now, not as a means of being passive-agressive, but rather to "dump" it here until such a time that it comes to address the issue again. The so-called "facts" are merely my interpretation of the situation, and may be dead on, or completely off. I will amend any incorrect statements/assumptions at a later time. Right now I just wish to relieve myself of the incessant thought of this.

It all began with Happy Hour a few weeks ago at McFadden's. Most people know that KB and I dated, broke up, and remained friends, but the truth is our friendship was strained at best. Despite my ending of things, hard feelings remained, at least on my part, which kept us from being the best of friends we used to be. Eventually though, I was granted the tools I needed to let go, and did so accordingly. If I'm 100% honest with myself, I always held out hope that we'd return to the way things were before we dated, and remain that way if the relationship was rekindled. The honest to goodness truth though is that we don't want the same things: kids, marriage, etc. are all major decisions we have different views on, and neither of us are willing to compromise. No one would fault us for that.

When I "met" Chris, a fluke accident through my cousin, whom was just intending to give his friend "someone to talk to", I never intended to want to date the guy. I had a lot of preconceived notions about prison people in general, undoubtedly formed by the television shows (such as OZ) that I frequented. Having dated a military man, whom later returned from Iraq, rendering me pregnant (unbeknownst to him), and alone, I found that I am not best suited to waiting. But I quickly found that Chris was a generally likeable guy, and eventually (and perhaps a bit premmaturely) I went out on a limb. He responded neutrally saying that he didn't find the idea of "waiting" to be any possibility worth considering. Whether I failed to accurately convey my position, or not still isn't clear to me.

Prior to my last North Carolina visit, the letters between Chris, and I were becoming more and more relaxed, and varied in topics, with the obvious comfort level between us. When my brother later told me that he thought Chris liked me, and I inquired into why, he stopped short of saying that a blind man could see. Being with Chris is easy, I am comfortable telling him the most personal things about me, he's been honest with me from the beginning, and in all honesty, it's not always what I wanted to hear. He's never asked for more than my friendship, which I'm happy to give, but we both really like each other. Perhaps it's the "early twenties change", or I've met my match both intellectually, physically, and otherwise. :) Yes, he is in an unfortunate situation, and while we both wish it wasn't so, he has expressed to me that he knows what he did was wrong, and he needed to be locked up to change his life. That people that [do what he did] "need to be locked up." We all do bad things, he just got caught.

I can't guarantee, like anyone, that it will last forever. I can't guarantee it'll last 10 minutes. But I know that I like him, and like Tim, I have a good feeling about this one.

Before I left for my trip ideas of a casual sexual encounter were traded, bluffs were called, hotels were booked, only to be canceled later. I can say with 100% honesty that I swear to GOD I thought it was only that, a casual sexual encounter. If feelings were hurt, it was never my intention, and I can only hope my apologies are taken at face value.

When I returned from my trip I changed my "relationship staus" on Myspace to reflect "In A Relationship." To do this day, Chris and I have still never discussed to one-another what this is. And I'm 100% okay with that. The change was entirely (at the time) due to very annoying (but not yet to the point of harassment) text messages from a former flame. Hoping to extinguish any hopes of reconcilation, I changed the status. I have taken a lot of heat from people about this. Again I swear to GOD this was the truth. As of recently though, I have decided to remain single, at least for the time being. Whether or not Chris and I can be "together" in the traditional sense, he makes me happy, and it would be unfair to become involved with someone else, to all parties involved. This decision is fully suported by my personality in which I have never been able to like two guys at once, as I will always lean more towards one than the other.

In terms of Josh, I received a message on Myspace from him addressing the "In A Relationship" question. I wasn't avoiding your e-mail, but like so many other e-mails, I didn't have time to reply, and forgot. Talk to any of my friends on Myspace that didn't get a reply for three months. It's a flaw I'm going to have to work on. Luckily you perservered, on my lunch break. Unfortunately, at the time, I was attempting to order checks from my bank and asked you to hold on. As much as it seems I was blowing you off, the phone call took longer than expected, and the answer was detailed, so I told you I would talk to you about it later. Still you responded favorably.

When we did eventually talk, I explained the story listed above. I found your reply comment of "So you're not dating a convict " to be both uncalled for and offensive. I responded in my normal sarcastic way, not lying once. I'm sorry that you took offense to the comment that "I wouldn't tell you if I was." It was intended to be sarcastic, not serious. I am in no way faulting you for taking it that way, but knowing me, I would assume you (like you have so many times in the past) to let the comment roll off your back like water.

Fact of the matter is that I would tell you. I realize, as we have previously discussed, that a relationship with Chris would be unlike any other relationship I've had. I'm aware that even after his release date, the kind of prejudices I, and he are going to face in every aspect of life. I sincerely did not expect it from my friends though. There are times when a person makes a decision, and regardless of the ration of shit they receive from people, that they stand behind their decision. This is one of those times. In reality, I keep an open book, revealing things at my own pace. Everyone is on a "need-to-know" basis. Of course, I try to reveal things to those closest to me, and/or those involved prior to "letting them read it on the internet".

I have my suspicions as to your "off-handed remark", and your now casual attitude towards me. If you don't wish to be friends anymore, a simple e-mail with the subject line stating as much is sufficient. I hate to throw away four years of friendship, but all good things must come to an end. If this is the end of our chapter allow me to say that I wish you the utmost happiness both in life, and with Katie. Despite my initial misgivings, I have come to realize she is a good-woman, and good for you. You have grown incredibly as a person, and I hope you will continue to do so- both individually and together. Thank you for all you have done for me, and perhaps like so many times before, our paths will cross later down the line.

Ultimately though, I feel I'm being held responsible for taking people at face-value. If you remember, on the car-ride home I mentioned to you how KB and I were finally back to the people we were prior to that disaster known as our relationship. And I was grateful. If he misrepresented his intentions of what he thought December 29th was going to be then I apologize for misleading him, but ultimately then he needs to accept some blame as well.

If that's not the reason for your discrepancy, well then I have never known you to not be upfront, and I'm fully expecting an explanation at some point.

Thanks for being understanding of my need to get this off my mind.

Trade The Truth In For A Lie

The thing no one ever tells you about confessions is that once you confess, you only feel more vulnerable.

Take for example, something as simple as "the talk". You know once you initiate that "where are we" conversation a)there's no going back, and b)you may not like the answer. Not to even mention the awkward position it puts someone else in.

Or how society is always encouraging us to "free ourselves of guilt" by confessing to our misdoings. (I think that's primarily the Catholic church, but you get the point). The truth is though, that if you doing something that's not technically a crime, but is morally wrong (like cheating with your best friend's man), why should you be obligated to relieve yourself of the guilt, and making someone else suffer?

Magazines (Cosmo and the like) are always weighing in on whether to tell your best gal pal whether or not her man is a dog- like he made a pass at you- or worse, you caught him cheating. The answer is always surprisingly the same. No. Aside from the fact that she will eventually come to the realization on her own, it could put a definitive strain on YOUR relationship.

Isn't it true that lies are shelter from the harsh realities that be? And why should we be honest with other people, knowing the outcome, when we can't first be honest with ourselves?

No, in a world where we're taught to tell the truth, there is no comfort, no safe haven. The world is not ready for the truth, as much as we're not ready to lead the solitary lives it presents...

So that no one misinterprets the details...

During one of my nightmares the phone actually rang, and I picked it up. Much to my delight, it was actually my cousin, calling to talk business.

But instead, the first words out of his mouth were "Your boyfriend is going to call you on Friday."

"....."

"......"

"When did THAT happen?"

Apparently my cousin has just been bugging Chris about the whole "are we an item" thing. And the answer remains the same "WE HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT IT."

He further proved his good guy nature by telling my cousin that he could "Never ask me to make that kind of commitment given his situation." To which my reply is, "Regardless of whether a title is involved, if I say I'm going to be here, then in 10 minutes, or 10 years I'm either still going to be here, or I'm not. And if I'm not, then no prison can tie me down if I don't want to be."

It also appears that my cousin has been walking around inadvertantly using titles as opposed to names. "Your boyfriend" for me, and "Your girlfriend" to Chris.

Neither of us have a further comment on the subject. Furthermore, we both like each other, AND MY BROTHER, WHOM HAS MET HIM, AND IS POSSIBLY THE MOST JUDGEMENTAL PERSON ON EARTH NOT ONLY LIKE HIM, BUT APPROVES!. So ha.

Laying Off the Sleep

Christmas was really kind of a blur, and that's how I kind of prefer to remember it. For me, Christmas came early this year, and although I had asked for things, what I wanted (and had received) was not under the Christmas tree. (Although Anil telling me not to be disappointed when he wasn't under there DID make me laugh).

My mother and stepfather came down for Christmas dinner, which was short-lived. I later found out that she had a HUGE fight with my stepfather prior to coming down, and that Tim found her crying. So our incessant need to joke around was not a comfort technique she'd choose to employ. (As if I was somehow supposed to instinctively know).

Later I ended up sleeping for ridiculous amounts of time. The end result was "night terrors" when I dreamed there were two casket-like boxes. One for me, one for dirt, and other non-me crap. They tried to put me into the wrong box! My brother came running when he heard me screaming, and he said that I was standing in the middle of my room. I immediately got back into bed, and continued to sleep until the alarm went off the next morning.

Last night didn't prove to have any night terrors, just nightmares. It included an altercation with my stepfather, being chased, ending up in church, and dropping the phone when "J" somehow magically got my new number.

Needless to say I'm laying off of the sleep...

Poor...

My mother really surprised me on Christmas Eve. I walked into the house, after several hours of intense cleaning (why one needs to clean an already clean house is beyond me), to find a dissaray of food sitting on the kitchen table.

"Are you still coming down for Christmas dinner tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't we?" replied my mother.

She asked why, and I explained how I had come to that conclusion.

"OH," She said. "YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS."

Apparently, while my stepfather was with a customer (don't fall over, and die from the shock of his actually working), a Lutheran Church from the Royersford area, stopped by to drop off a Christmas dinner for us. Which would be fine, except someone told them that we were POOR.

To further complicate things, my brother, Tim, has a friend named Kevin. Kevin's parents have more money than we could ever imagine, but they're convinced that my brother is the male form of a golddigger. The kid who has enough money to buy his own car at 16. The kid whom never buys anything. When they found out Tim and Kevin had opened a bank account together, to begin saving for a business post-graduation, they threatened to eliminate Kevin's inheritance, disown him, and kick him out if the account didn't cease to exist. Kevin's father was the customer.

Bruce tried to explain to the church that we weren't in need of the food, and to provide it to someone who legitimately wasn't going to have Christmas dinner, but the Church refused to take it back.

After going through the list of people who a) actually attend church b) are Lutheran and c) attend a church in Royersford, the only logical explanation is that my step-brother was up to no good. My mother believes, that he went looking for donations for HIS MOTHER to cook him a Christmas dinner, since she lives off disability, but the package arrived after he left to go to his mother's.

Needless to say, he's going to be in a lot of trouble, with everyone, when he returns home.

All I Want For Christmas...

I recently returned home from another excellent trip to North Carolina. On this occasion though, we stayed at the Red Roof Inn, which was phenomenal. It’s an excellent hotel, and quite populated as you move down through the southern states.

The bed was so comfortable, I begged my brother to haul it home. Unfortunately for me, the bed was slightly larger than my room, and would render me without a dresser or any other novelties, much less a bed frame.

Much to my surprise, towards the evening hours, even the hot water was in plenty of supply. My only complaint about the entire place was that I wasn’t sure, given the composition, whether the shower curtain belonged on the inside, or outside of the shower. Regardless of positioning, a shitload of water still ended up on the floor.

The visit with Chris, of course, went well. There was one point where I asked him to “pretend” we were together as I was drawing some unwanted attention from another inmate. He, of course, complied, and actually ended up holding my hand, much to my surprise. I got to visit with him both days, and I was greeted, and departed from with both hugs and kisses.

I learned a great deal about him this weekend, and told him quite a bit of personal stuff about myself. I’ve never seen someone who cared more about the well-being of an absolute stranger, and for that alone I’m grateful. He has continued to prove that he is one of the good guys, by doing the simple things: calling when he says he will, being honest, and considering things from my perspective.

I wish I was capable of saying that with every visit gone, leaving has become easier. The fact is that it hasn’t. I like Chris, a lot, and according to him he “likes me a lot too.” But there’s more to leaving than just Chris, it’s my genuine love for the state of North Carolina. You can’t fully know until you visit, as it just kind of sucks you in with it’s perfect temperatures, and Southern charm. So while you may be dreaming of a white Christmas, I’m dreaming of one more on the sunnier, Southern side.

No Cliff

Tonight I finally got my car back. The diagnosis? A really strange coincidence. I swear, at some point, I'm going to drive this car off a cliff. So when I inquired as to what the liquid running out as fast as we put it in was, I was told it was excess antifreeze, that the container was already full, and it was overflowing. That the gauge may have been acting crazy, but all in all nothing was wrong with the car. Having taken almost this entire paycheck, that was a bit of a relief.

So for now, now car drama, and no cliff.

A Surprise Ending...

Last night was a very frustrating evening for me. For one thing I don't like being sans car, even if I am driving my grandparent's jeep. I definitely try to be respectful with someone else's property, and not driving their car all over the place is just one of those things. Especially since they didn't have to be as generous as they are, and letting me use it.

Of course my sciatic nerve decides that THEN is ample time to flare up, leaving me drugged on anti-inflams, and lying in bed when the phone rings. Figuring it was Dan trying convince me that a date is "in the cards" for us, I became aware of how blind I truly am. (Put it this way, I'm lucky that I managed to flip the phone open before it stopped ringing).

Once my brain realized who it was- Chris- it was quite the fumble getting the phone open. What I was met with were instructions that I had to add a feature to my phone to accept calls from inmates. I go through the whole process, without so much as time to grab the credit card of choice (as opposed to the first one brightly gleaming from my wallet) before they were requesting the information for their $10 service fee.

I get through all of that, and my options are: Press 1 to add funds to your account. Press 2 to talk about your account or Press 3 for something else I can't remember at the moment. None of the options were "Talk to your inmate".

I sat and stared at the phone in disbelief! Call back! I realize it took a great deal of courage to make the first move and I'm proud of you now call back. A watched pot may eventually boil, but a watched phone (and the frequent tapping on the face plate, willing it to ring) definitely does not guarantee a phone call.

I watched a bit of tv before flipping over, exasperated, knowing full well that if I was in 50 feet of the kitchen those cookies (which I really don't need btw) would end up in my mouth.

Soon the phone DID ring though much to my surprise. Also much to my surprise, the conversation flowed easily, with a few awkward silences (to be expected) which were quickly recovered like a fumbled football.

Needless to say I can only imagine what hoops and hurdles I'll have to tackle before getting the prize of a 5 day weekend, and 3 day trip to North Carolina.

I Probably Wouldn't Be This Way...

That simple gesture of KB's not only rendered me a bawling, babbling idiot in the car (and thank God for Josh whom without I probably would've crashed), but also until I fell asleep in bed last night.

It not only reminded me of the water story, or the Christmas Shoes song that always leaves me crying, but of a time not that long ago when KB came through for me.

Back when I was still running with the likes of "J", I was down in NJ visiting KB. It was getting late, and I was getting pretty tired, but at "J"'s insistence, I promised to drive back to Philly to pick up his best friend when he was done work. "J"'s best friend is a good guy, for the most part. If he wasn't messed up with so many illegal substances, I might be inclined to say he's "sweet" and "someone I would've considered dating".

Well his being "sweet" and "thoughtful" landed him in the driver's seat at 2 a.m. "Just lay back, and relax, and get some sleep," he told me. He reassured me he had gotten his license back, and even resting my eyes would be good for me.

Well unfortunately all good intentions (and good they were), got us pulled over. On the side of the road. In Philly. At 3 a.m. The police officer ran his information only to find: his license was still suspended. So even though I was in the car, and could produce identification (and did so) that I was the owner of the car, and licensed to drive, they towed my car anyway, and told me to show up at traffic court on Monday.

The police officer told me that "well we can't be driving back to Collegeville" so they dropped me off at "T"'s house, and left me there. From the side of the highway (before I knew they wouldn't just leave me on 95) I called my mom's house several times to be met with no answer. I called home and asked for my brother, and my testy grandmother replied that "he had to work in the morning" before refusing to come pick me up.

"J" was no help either. As many times as he'd forced me to "think outside the box" and "find a way" he wasn't going to help me either. I did the only thing I could think of and dialed KB. (I didn't have enough $ for a 45 min cab ride).

It took him 3 hours to get to me. The city is confusing to us people from the suburbs. It was 6 a.m. when I finally got into the car, and we began the journey to my house. I live about 1 hour and 15 minutes away from KB. I'm about 45 minutes from where I was in the city. So the man spent well over 4 hours making sure that I made it home safely, ON NO SLEEP, when my own family wouldn't. He then drove straight home, without taking a second to sleep. I'm not even sure he made it directly to his destination without ending up where he didn't intend to be.

We broke up because of KB's inability to balance his responsibilities with his relationship. I've always felt that he let me down that day. But I've also always preached that "When people are looking at your situation from the outside they can make judgements, and comment on how you should've done this or that. But when you're in the situation, and you're at a fork in the road with a SECOND to make a decision, you can only do what's best for you at that given moment".

Now maybe you'd call this revelation exciting if it just hit me yesterday. But recently I got a taste of my own medicine when dealing with "as dumb as a rock". I needed to balance the needs of a parent with the needs of my children, and inadvertantly left my children with no teacher, and only that parent. (More about that story later). Now if you told me "Don't live kids alone" I would've said "DUH!" But when you're trying to balance everything, you can't fault someone for being true to their word.

So while I don't deny that the guilt is my cross to bear, and the lessons well learned I want him to know that I'm letting it go. And regardless of the outcome, thanks for being a best friend to me. Even if you make me cry (in a good way).

A simple glass of water...

My mom has worked for the Post Office for as long as I can remember. Before I was of legal driving age, she would pick me and my brother up (during the summer, for example), and have us help to deliver the mail on the perchance that was her assignment for the day.

The one day she picked me up, and I believe I started out driving. Having never driven before, I was completely at a loss for distance of something that was twice my size! She'd get (almost to the point of violence) pissed if I was too close, and REALLY pissed if I was too far away. We ended up switching, but there was no clear cut break between who's mail was who's and you had to be quick. I can only imagine how many people didn't get the right mail that day.

I remember it was hot, so for some reason July is sticking out in my mind. My mother has a way of being incredibly cruel, but she doesn't mask it at all. Words like "cunt" and a series of words that would make a sparring combination (a series of kicks and punches mixed up as to throw off an opponent) look less scary than mild wings. I've gotten considerably thicker skin in my recent years, but as a kid- THIS WAS MY MOM! It cut me deeper than a knife, on more than one occassion.

We approached this one house where we had to deliver a package, and a man, whom to this day I can't tell you what he looked like, whom had been mowing his lawn approached the car.

"It sure is hot out here," he said.

"Yes, it is." I agreed never letting my eyes look at him, let alone up at him.

"Would you like a drink of water?" he asked?

"Oh no thank you," I replied, still never looking at the man.

Maybe my voice gave me away, but I didn't have the strength anyway to lift my eyes to this stranger. His kindness has always stuck with me. That an absolute stranger was more kind to me than my own mother. I think that hurt worse that day than her comments.

I don't live in the past, although a few things have stuck with me. I don't like to think about it, and I definitely don't bring it up.

So today when I headed down to McFadden's (i.e. the restaurant attached to Citizen's Bank Park) to meet up with the Crusin Cripples (i.e. two of my best friends) er one of the Crusin' Cripples as I already had one, and his fiancee in tow, I hadn't planned on anything more than a good time. A short time later I was finding out how wrong I had been.

The drive down was pretty uneventful, other than my copilot being a REALLY bad Copilot, and his fiancee from 500 miles away having more of a clue than the driver, and shotgun passenger. Of course we did face 50 mile per hour torrential winds, but other than that, and playing chicken on Broad Street, it was uneventful.

Inside the game was a decent one (my team won as well for all who care), but the conversation was better. We all rag on one another, so naturally it made for some interesting conversations TO INCLUDE: (dum dum dum) whether KB actually plans to show up on the 29th. Unfortunately for KB, bets were placed against him right in front of him. So whether that ups the ante, I don't really know...

After the game we all planned to go back to Josh's place to hang out for a bit, but unfortunately my car decided to leak out all antifreeze (despite being "fixed" a relatively short time ago- or as Josh put it- "Did Bruce fix it?" Yup. "Oh shit, we're gonna blow up") and leave us stranded on a side street about 500 feet from KB whom had absolutely no idea where to go to get to us. So Katie being the trooper that she is, walked I don't know how far to get a container of antifreeze. Of course I freaked out the whole time!

We did make it back to Josh's without incident, and I immediately decided to head home. I asked Josh if they minded following me home god forbid anything happened. They agreed, and Josh called KB to ask, whom said he didn't mind at all. We made it back to my house without the car overheating once which afforded me time to bawl my eyes out, and talk candidly to Josh. Who kind of sort of, actually doesn't believe me.

Long story short, KB drove not only to Citizen's Bank Park from NJ, and then back to Josh's apartment, but he also followed me home to make sure that I didn't have a problem, and drove back to Josh's apartment to drop them off, only to drive back home to NJ. Yeah, maybe all he was going to do was watch tv, or sit in front of the computer, but the man didn't hesitate. And both he and Josh told me to "shut the fuck up" when I tried to profusely apologize leaving me in tears, much the way that kind man did when he offerred me a simple glass of water.

Just Gimme a Road and A Little Gasoline...

Today, finally getting caught up on my to do list, I broke my cardinal rule of life, and went to an alternative hairdresser for my hair cut. I wasn't sure where the place was, so I left a little bit early, and headed into Trappe to find it. I ended up arriving without too much of an incident 1/2 hour early.

The girl cutting my hair, talked my ear off but she did a great job so I didn't mind. She was surprisingly quiet given that she's 1/2 Argentinian, and 1/2 Italian. She also told me how many languages she's been exposed to...amazing.

After that I headed over to get my eyebrows done, and actually waited longer in the nail salon than in the hair salon! And I only paid $15 for the cut. So ha ha. I've never only paid 15 for a cut my whole life. And I tipped graciously.

I rounded out the day with a run to target and I can officially say that a short work week, a few workouts, and packing I will be ready to head back to NC. I'll be gone from Thursday at midnight (technically Friday) to Sunday. (I have to work Monday).

I tried to go to the gym, driving all the way to freakin' King of Prussia only to find that they close at 8. Update your website!

Oh and I'm totally crushing on Vince from Entourage...

Tea in the Fridge...

Lately I have been working late in addition to to trying to juggle the end of term b.s. that is associated with finals. I finally got done writing all papers, and doing all the tests, and managed to even put a few people in their places today.

For example, at lunch I came home after two hours with "dumb as a rock" and her giving me attitude. First let me say that she does not know who's she's dealing with. And if she keeps up her bullshit, I will rip her goddamn head off, and hand it back to her unrecognizable, and probably less aesthetically pleasing. Essentially, when I *SNAP* she'll be the first to go.

I came home to find out that the cats are pissing in the living room floor because the litterboxes aren't being changed frequently enough. My answer: change the litterboxes more often. My mom says "They're not my cats." Right, but this is YOUR floor. She didn't appreciate that answer. Her problem was that after seeing the cat do it, my dog jumped off her chair and went over and pissed next to it. So my mom made her go out and stay out until I got home for lunch (30 min max).

I didn't say she shouldn't be punished, I didn't say the way she was punished was wrong, in fact I probably would've done the same thing! But she was in a dramatic mood, and refused to talk to me the rest of my lunch break.

Then last night I came back to use the DSL computer for homework. It affords me a better connection, so I'm not likely to lose answers to a test royally screwing me. I didn't read any of the chapters in my Child Psychology book and so I'm looking up every single answer. After Bruce's company leaves (his druggie friend Drew and his apparent larger girlfriend, whom must be blind if she's taken with Drew) he decides to call upon me to run his errands.

So I flipped the shit. I told him "First of all no. Second of all I'm taking a test, and I need to take a third. I have so much shit to do, and I'm under a lot of pressure." I'm pretty sure there were a few more curse words in the heat of the moment. Then I felt really bad because I'm not the type of person to spazz over stupid shit. And I sounded like my mother.

So I told him I needed a break and asked if he had money for iced tea because I was thirsty and would like a drink. He replied yes, but since I was going to Audubon I could get cigarettes, and a small bottle of Jaeger. I gave him a look. He replied "I'll share."

"I don't want alcohol. I want this shit done. And I'm not your bitch."

"I didn't say you were. But you drink it."

"So do you. And I shouldn't have to run your goddamn errands all the fuckien time!"

"Well then I can do it myself."

"Good"

He put his money away, and there still isn't tea in the fridge.

Work Bullshit

This week was a particularly tough one. I've had trouble at work- which I'll get to in a second- and I've been really stressed trying to get everything done.

The work drama began when they stuck me with "dumb as a rock" again. They've been doing that a lot lately. As KB would say "Why are you the kid with the magnifying glass, and I'm the ant?"

I was sitting with my back (the wrong thing to do in childcare btw) to a small section of the room where consequently two children were playing. For some reason, I decided to turn around, and I saw one of the children smack the other in the face, and told her "No thank you! We don't hit our friends!" 2 seconds later she was crying hysterically. When I asked her "what happened?" she came over to me, and I found a serious bite mark.

Dumb as a rock knew to wash it out with soap and water, but didn't know to put an ice pack, so I told her too. "Really?" she replied, not moving to get an ice pack. No one has ever told me that." Well duh, soap and water will kill any bacteria, but that won't make it feel better! Of course this is the idiot that can't count backward from 9.....

As soon as I get the paperwork ready, and I'm about to call the parents (so they have time to calm down before they get there), I see her father walk by, I have one family that always needs help out, and I am stressed. I spot my director and call her over. My mind goes blank as we're trying to talk through the door! She can't get in, and I can't leave the room...what am I going to do? So I'm trying to explain through the door, and I can't formulate the words. Suddenly I blurt out "Kids A name bit another kid." She gives me the dirtiest look and tells me there's a parent right there. I know there is, that's not what I meant to say! (Parents aren't to know who the biting child is unless they are the biter's parent).

So I apologized, trying to get my head together....and she told me she'd be in, in a few minutes which she never did.

By this time, the parent walked in, demanding to know what happened. They already don't like "Dumb as a rock", and this was just further compounding the problem! The idiot told them that she didn't see it, I explained what I had seen, and what I hadn't (the child bite her). He asked if it was the same child biting her. I told him that I wasn't at liberty to say. He left without incident.

The next day he approached her teachers and told them that THEY need to watch the children more carefully, as if it's somehow possible to watch one, let alone all of the children all the time.

The problem was finally resolved when they spoke to the other teacher who reassured them that it was not the same child as before.

So if you're a parent understand that one year olds bite. They don't yet have the abilities to express their frustrations, and so they bite. Not to mention this is a major teething time. It happens!

And that I could probably be fired for writing this. So don't tell my job....

Yeah I Still Feel Like I'm Where I'm Supposed To Be

So I officially got a letter from a college today saying I've been accepted. That didn't surprise me, frankly with a 3.5 GPA, and applications to 13 different colleges, I'm expecting "yes" from every single one of them!

What REALLY surprised me was that during the intial college search process, I checked all the websites of the colleges, and my major was offered at that college. As they were making their decision, they began to send me loads of information on the college, and all it offers. As I reviewed the application (I submitted mine online), I found that it appeared they didn't have my major! So you can imagine how disappointed I was when I found out they were willing to offer me a nice yearly academic scholarship that would almost pay for a semester of Room and Board by itself!

Then, I finally reviewed all the papers in the envelope. In there was a Program Evaluation. What that means is they take all the courses you've had and tell you what will transfer into their college, and what you need to obtain through them to get your full degree. And guess what was at the top? Spanish Teaching with Licensure! I'm so excited! But I'm holding out, until I hear from all my colleges.

My mom, on the other hand, isn't so ectastic about the whole college process because it means I'll be 7 hours away from everything familiar. And I'll admit that it's going to be tough, but I need to do this. And don't worry, I'll be back.

All Kodak Machines Are Not Created Equal

Today I finally got the extra pictures that Tim mailed to me from campus. Unfortunately they hadn't arrived in time for us to duplicate, and/or otherwise mess with them in Harrisburg.

So thinking that one Kodak picture scanner fits all, I went to Rite Aid tonight to try and make the copies. I was quickly disappointed. Unlike the Kodak machine at Walmart, this machine wouldn't make individual copies, it was only three to a page. And they didn't print out below the machine, you had to obtain them individually from the photo copy section, they weren't cut (naturally I want 3 pictures on a paper to just "frame", and they were $7.99 sheet.

The man rang me up $40.00 worth of pictures, missing one of the sheets WHICH I TOLD HIM TO CHECK IF THERE WERE MORE SHEETS, and made me pay individually as a result of his impatience.

The best part was that when I asked if they could cut them they said SURE! and handed me a pair of scissors! I'm like "uh I can do that much at home!" No really the REALLY best part was that when I went to cut the pictures apart that they looked nothing like a professional 4 x 6 photo. I could've bought photo paper- a whole pack of photo paper for the same price I paid for a single sheet of that shitty paper, and printed it off my computer!

Christmas Shopping...

Today I headed up to PSU Harrisburg to meet up with my brother, check out his dorm, confirm Christmas Trip plans, and to go shopping!

First we went to the outlets at Hershey which with very few ideas turned out to be highly productive. Then we headed to Walmart to continue shopping, and to use the Kodak picture maker to edit some pictures for my cousin. Not to mention it provided time for some seriously candid talking time.

Here's what I got:

Tim:

1. A $25 gift card to Aeropostale
2. I sweater, and 1 tee (for me) at Aero
3. A brownie pan with a snapping lid
4. A 2008 Doggie Wisdom Calendar for my mom
5. A CD case
6. Pictures
7. Towels (Mom)
8. A Walmart Gift Card
9. 2 movies for my mom
10. A bunch of other stuff I can't recall right now, but distinctly remember wrapping!

When I got back "home" I immediately headed to KOP and bought the Diesel cologne that he's raving about, and a few things inside Bloomingdales for me. Why? Because I'm worth it!

And then I went home and wrapped everything. My to do list is slowly decreasing. I still need a haircut, eyebrows, to do my paper on Autism, study for a Bio test, create a Final Exam review, take 2 psychology tests, and do a Target run!

Christmas Plans...

A while ago when I was still actively bartending, a man came into my bar, and sat down. And he began to tell me that every Christmas he and his family adopted another family from the Salvation Army. They would then buy everything, to include a Christmas tree for the family, and just get together for the holiday and talk, and eat. But as everyone became harder, and harder to buy for, they wanted to make it about someone else.

So I presented the idea to my family, and my mom and my brother were the only 2 to jump on the train. We waited, and waited until the family finally came close to Thanksgiving. My mom was the only one who remained on the train with me. And thankfully (since I'm majorly poor) she paid for all the gifts for the family. We got everything from toys to coats, and some outfits, to books, and I donated lots of baby stuff, diningware, etc. that I had as my way of letting go of the past.

And we did this all today. The gifts have to be delivered in Center City on the 13th or 14th of December, which my mom and Bruce will have to coordinate. We've decided not to work with the Salvation Army again because they predetermine a minimum limit of $100 per person. With 4 people that was a minimum of $400. I realize the idea is to give to someone who isn't going to have anything, but isn't the idea to give from the heart?

A Really Tought Subject

If you talk to Josh (without question, one of my best friends) he'll tell you that I sprung this entire idea of a new guy on him. And I did...kind of. But before I get into all that, let me give you the vitals on Chris.

First, there's the easy stuff: He's 27, an Aquarius (bday is January 30th I believe), he has a 4 1/2 year old daughter (Amber). He lives in NC- Butner to be exact. His dad works for IBM, his mom I don't know if she works, he works in Education- both the teaching of, and tutoring. He's tall - 6'2 or so, and skinny. He has dark hair, and blue eyes. He's actively involved in sports- he's #1 out of everyone on the baseball team, and he likes Peyton Manning although in his words "If Peyton went to the Jets, I'd like the Jets." And he likes the Patriots.

And then there's the less than stellar information I'd like to admit. Like I met him through my cousin who's incarcerated. And that's the only comment I'm going to make about that.

So I laid my feelings on the line, and I waited to hear back from him. And while I did Katie, Josh and I found ourselves at Olive Garden for the salad. Yes, they have the best salad. While we were there, we exposed to a waiter who was on fire (figuratively speaking, of course), and provided poor service (as reflected in his tip), but perhaps the best part was when all the pieces clicked together for Josh and suddenly he went "OH!"

Needless to say we discussed the challenges this could potentially present, and ways of being realistic about it between now and oh say 2013. Drugs- Meth to be specific.

When the return letter finally returned with his reply it said that he found the whole idea of waiting to be "positively ridiculous". But he wanted to be friends and keep in touch. (Which was not so clearly spelled out, and Josh defined for me).

In his next letters though he was a bit more relaxed, and even used such pet names as "sweetie"!

I've chalked it up to being that a) I have no idea what he really meant in his reply and b) even if I did, until a move and/or his release, I'm not going to.

Starting Point for Negotiations

Recently my job put out a letter to a bunch of employees saying that their files were incomplete, and they needed the following information: list of information. I know, because I was one of the people that received the letter. Some of the ridiculous parts were 6 references. 3 verbal, 3 written. Those were hard to come by, and eventually I made my family/friends write them for me.

The other thing was CPR certification. I took a CPR/First Aid class in college, about 2 years ago now. But I didn't pay the lousy $10 to get certified because, let's face it, college students are poor. So I had to repeat the class. I called and called and called only to get 1 organization to call me back.

We were told if we didn't submit all the necessary materials by December 3rd we were being sent home, and not being paid. I took a MAJOR pay cut to take this job, and I can't afford to miss a single minute.

CPR is only offerred through this organization, the first Tuesday of the month. So not even thinking about the date, I went and scheduled it for Tuesday, the same day (as I later found out) as a staff meeting.

Staff meetings at my job are MANDATORY. So I wrote a note with my other information saying "Hey I can't make the staff meeting because of my CPR class".

No one said a word about it until today. I was told that "I should've told someone, and they would've told me to skip the CPR and they'd get me on the next round. That I missed blood-borne pathogens, and we were going to have to find a way to make that up."

It really left me feeling upset for a while! I did what I was told to do, and was expected to do something completely different. I didn't realize "you will be sent home, and not paid" was a starting point for negotiations...

I'm Already Thinking About My Birthday

I'm down to almost 2 weeks until I head to North Carolina once again. This time I'm a little more nervous and I've planned appropriately, I hope.

First, I've met a guy. An honest-to-goodness guy. I met him through my cousin, Bill. We've been exchanging letters for about a month now. His circumstances aren't ideal, but they do provide an interesting foundation from which to work on, more about that later.

Like any good "first date" (his word, not mine), I've carefully planned my outfit to be something with heels, but casual (jeans) that makes me feel fantabulous. I've debuted my outfit to the mirror only once so far, but it works.

I'm also leaving the night before (Thursday at midnight)to where we'll be getting to NC around 7 a.m. We have plans to meet up around 2:30 or so, so on the perchance I can't sleep the night before (like my last trip) I'm not debuting the "I've slept less than one hour in the last 36 hours" again. I can relax, sleep, and/or shower for maximum effect.

And if all that fails...KB has promised me a REALLY GOOD birthday present. :)

What They Won't Tell You, I Will

Before I got my first (and to date only) tattoo, I was really concerned about the pain DURING the whole process. After all, it wasn't like I was a fan of needles, and the idea of having severeal drilled into me, to ensure it made to every layer of permanancy really scared me.

Then suddenly my tattoo day was upon me, and Iwas nervously sitting in the tattoo chair, holding onto my cousin's hand for dear life. But I quickly found out the whole process was...mildly uncomfortable.

What they don't tell you about your first tattoo:

1. It's going to be your "baby". Meaning that you have special care instructions to clean and maintain it with ointment, and it will become very important to you as if you were caring for a living thing.

2. While the process during doesn't hurt that much (your endorphins kick in, and my tattooist uses sanitizer with Lidocaine), when you get done, and decide to go to dinner is when the real discomfort sets in. Similar to a brush burn, BURN it does. But no more than a brush burn, really.

3. Your first shower you will make the water temperature too warm and you will want to rip other places of skin right off your body. Excruciating does not begin to explain hot water in a brush burn.

4. About a week into it, you will be revisiting your skin ripping off tendencies when the tattoo starts to heal. Because it's going to itch like you have itching powder, and thousands of fleas that Advantix can't touch. Apply your ointment, several layers of protection for the night, and a t-shirt (cotton).

5. You will become vain, and often look at yourself in shock every time you catch a glipse of your new found art in the mirror.

That's all for now. What a way to kick off December, huh?